Thank you for voicing your opinion (and/or what you consider facts) about my gluten-free diet. Please refer to this list for my response…

1. Yes, I do this just for attention. Making dinner party hosts feel bad and having the workings of my body become the topic of conversation is just an added bonus to being constantly surrounded by food that I can’t eat.

2. Yes, like you, I did read the headline of that one article that said that non-celiac gluten sensitivity was total bullshit. Unlike you, I also read the scientific paper cited.

3. I’m very impressed that you “eat everything,” and “are not picky.”

4. Thanks for telling me about that time you didn’t feel well, but you just decided it was all in your head. I’ll try that sometime.

5. That’s interesting you think Westerners just “invent” new diseases. I wonder if advanced states of human flourishing are in any way correlated with learning new things about the human body? Maybe if I do enough bloodletting, I’ll live long enough to discover the answer.

6. I recognize that you really enjoy trying new restaurants, and that my limitations may hinder this proclivity were we to be in a romantic relationship. I agree that we shouldn’t date because of this. It’s a shame because I can tell you’re a really caring person.

7. I also used to thoroughly enjoy croissants. It’s reassuring to know that you would “die” without them.

8. I appreciate you considering dining options that would be agreeable to my limitation; however, I regret to inform you that pizza does, in fact, contain gluten.

9. Avocados. I eat lots of avocados.

10. Thank you for the thorough probing of my medical history, symptoms, and bathroom habits. I appreciate the free health assessment from someone with an actual degree in French Literature.

11. I was unaware that there were people in the world who cannot afford to refuse to eat certain food groups. In recognition of their hardships, I will cease the use of clean drinking water, birth control, and toilets.

12. Thank you for agreeing to go to a restaurant that has a gluten-free option; however, I’m not sure I can handle both calories in this iceberg-lettuce salad.

13. Your observation that my dietary habits may be indicative that I’m “neurotic” and “unaccommodating” is an astute one, Dr. Freud. I agree, we shouldn’t go on another date, lest you discover that you’re projecting.