Dear parents —

This is just a reminder that tomorrow is another Super Partial Laughable Early Dismissal Day, which means your child will be let out of school even earlier than usual.

To be clear, the Super Partial Laughable Early Dismissal Day is different—shorter—than the standard Early Dismissal Day, or the Super Early Dismissal Day, or the Supra Early Dismissal Day, which we haven’t implemented yet, but you still need to know what it is.

On Super Partial Laughable Early Dismissal Days, your child will be dismissed at either 10:17 or 10:28, according to the rubric we enclosed in one of our previous emails, titled, per usual, “Optional Opportunity and/or Critical Information for your Child.”

Yes, we understand that all the adults in your household have careers, and your aftercare won’t be open until the usual time, which, tomorrow, is five hours after your child gets out of school. But you’re probably “working from home” anyway, so why not cherish your children in between those Zoom meetings?

We also know that when you were a kid, if you were released from school a few minutes early for, say, a gas pipeline explosion or hostage situation, your mom or dad was waiting at home with milkshakes and grilled cheese sandwiches, not hunched behind their laptop, rage snacking. But times have changed. We pay our teachers. And they’re not going to train themselves.

This is also a good time to tell you that this Friday is a Micro Diminutive Day, where you will drop your child off, drive around the block, and pick them back up again. Remember, you do not (DO NOT) pick them up in the same spot you drop them off. On all Diminutive Days, pickup is moved to Loading Bay 7D, behind the dumpsters, assuming there are no cafeteria deliveries that morning. If you arrive at the wrong spot, you will not (WILL NOT) be allowed to park and walk across campus to get your child. If you attempt to walk through campus to get your child, the teachers will form a tunnel and chant “shame” as you trudge through it. By the time you make it back to your car, it will have been towed, booted, or both.

But wait, lurking here at the bottom of this message is yet another optional opportunity and/or critical piece of information for your child. In honor of STEM Month—get ready, get pumped!—we’re working on a project called Quantum Day, where you could somehow pick up your kids before you drop them off. We thought this was impossible, too, until Mr. Cohagan, our physics and football coach, kindly explained it to us. But don’t concern yourself with that schedule just yet, as Quantum Day may or may not happen, or, according to Mr. Cohagan, it might both happen and not happen simultaneously.

So, parents, to put it all together: Thursday is a Super Partial Laughable Early Dismissal Day, Friday is a Micro Diminutive Day, and Monday is a holiday. Oh, and we’d be remiss if we didn’t remind you that Tuesday, after the long weekend, is a Reverse Day, where your child stays home and a randomly-selected teacher comes over for brunch. The teachers could not be more excited about this day. If you happen to get Mrs. Harpley, just make sure you have enough champagne, because let’s just say the pandemic has done wonders for her tolerance.

Principal Myers