RYAN SEACREST: We are here live on the Oscars red carpet with the one and only Octavia Spencer. Octavia, how are you feeling tonight?

ME: Oh, no, I’m not Octavia Spencer. I’m a middle-aged white man who accidentally wandered onto the red carpet. I thought this was like a flea market or something.

RYAN SEACREST: Octavia, who are you wearing tonight?

ME: Well, um, again, I’m not Octavia Spencer, but this is a plain blue T-shirt I got at the Gap. It has a small tzatziki stain on the sleeve from a gyro sandwich I spilled in the car a couple months ago. I also got my jeans at the Gap. My sneakers I bought online from the Merrells website.

RYAN SEACREST: Who are you with tonight? Is this young lady your mother?

ME: No, this is not my mother. I don’t know her. She’s been following me around for the past hour and a half. She tells me her name is Barb. She keeps lifting her blouse and asking if I “want some of this.” I’ve said no thank you several times, but I think she’s hard of hearing. I don’t know what to do, Ryan.

RYAN SEACREST: Mrs. Spencer, did you ever think while raising Octavia that she would turn out to be an Oscar-winning actress?

BARB: Touch my jugs!

RYAN SEACREST: Hahaha, I don’t think any of us would have predicted it either. Octavia, you are nominated for Best Supporting Actress for your role in Hidden Figures. What was it like making the movie?

ME: I don’t know anything about Hidden Figures, but Barb told me earlier that she wants to see my hidden finger. I thought it was a euphemism for my penis, but then she pulled out a real human finger from her pocket and said that was what she was talking about. I asked her where she got the finger from and she said I would need to pay extra for that information.

RYAN SEACREST: What was it like working with Taraji P. Henson? She gives such a powerful performance in this film.

ME: Yeah, Barb is pretty powerful too. A few minutes ago I was sharing an Eskimo kiss with Tilda Swinton, when Barb came out of nowhere and bulldozed her into a wall. Tilda’s head was bleeding everywhere. Barb said, “Lay off my hombre, OK muchacha?” I don’t know why, but Barb thought Tilda Swinton only spoke Spanish.

RYAN SEACREST: Octavia, I have one final question. What’s next for you?

ME: I’d like to find that flea market I was looking for. If I can get a police officer to deal with this Barb situation, that would be great too.