Dear Students of Rydell High,

After much consideration, we have decided to open for the upcoming school year. We have laid out specific guidelines all students will be expected to follow in order to prevent the spread of COVID-19.

For starters, though we know that students will be eager to reconvene on the front lawn, we ask that you please wear a mask while doing so. Yes, masks can be uncomfortable because the straps leave little room for you to casually tuck cigarettes behind your ears. We acknowledge that the need to effortlessly pull out a cigarette while combing your pompadour is almost as essential as preventing the spread of COVID, but rules are rules. When smoking, we require that students blow smoke directly into their masks so as not to spread germs. While bragging about summer plans and sexual conquests, students should remain at least six feet away from each other.

We also wanted to address lunchtime behavior. When spontaneously bursting into choreographed song and dance, we ask that students maintain social distancing guidelines. That means, while gyrating on the tables and bleachers, please ensure that you have enough space to do your synchronized arm swings and hip thrusts without coming in contact with others. When huddling around a person asking them repeatedly to “tell you more,” please do not huddle too close. In addition, we request that while serenading your peers, the lyrics include wholesome quarantine activities such as “we used Zoom just to talk” and “soap suds got bubbly all in my hands,” and not statements about “making out under the dock” and “getting friendly down in the sand.” Not because we mind the objectification of women, but because we don’t want to encourage others to act irresponsibly during a pandemic. We kindly ask that you save that sort of talk for next year, when conditions are hopefully safer.

As far as the school’s auto shop goes, we will be limiting it to two students at a time. While it will be harder to dramatically roll out all four wheels at once and seductively descend from the ceiling using the carburetor as a seat, we just cannot risk having too many people in an enclosed space. Remember, having a school auto shop is a privilege, so we can take it away if not used responsibly.

We recognize that we cannot control what you do outside of school, but we do ask that students take the proper precautions. That means safely partaking in drag racing cars with built-in weapons by wearing a mask and remaining at least six feet from the car next to you while speeding at over 100 mph. We want to ensure that our students don’t contract COVID while ramming into each other in vehicles that weigh over two tons and can kill you.

Finally, we need to discuss romantic relationships. Now, we’re not naïve enough to believe that students won’t be doing canoodling of any kind over the next nine months, but we once again ask that you wear a mask and remain six feet apart while having unprotected sex in a parked car. Teen pregnancy is one thing, but we absolutely cannot have students contracting the virus because they refuse to use protection. Although it may not feel as good, wearing a mask can prevent you from ruining your life, and someone else’s, forever.

Though it may take some time to get used to, we expect all Rydell High students to follow these guidelines throughout the school year. If not, the end-of-year carnival will be revoked and/or limited, which would mean no cotton candy machine or romantically driving off into the sky after changing who you are to get someone to fall in love with you.

Principal McGee