Way back in late February, we started to hear rumors about having to lock ourselves inside for three weeks — a length of time that now seems positively quaint. In case we do reunite with the outside world by the end of the summer, here’s an updated reminder of what not to wear after Labor Day.
1. Your hair down
Hide that mess until you can hire a professional, or at least until you start washing it again (no pressure — it’s okay to ease back in).
These would normally be fine, but we all need to get readjusted to eye contact. For some, this will be the very first time learning how to make it.
3. Leg hair as pants
This also includes sweatpants as pants, leggings as pants, underwear as pants, etc. Pants have buttons, we’re sorry to say.
4. Floral prints
Or anything else that might make the murder hornets feel more at home.
5. Crop tops
It’s fine if you were working out in quarantine (not ideal, but fine), but you need to keep it to yourself.
6. Anything that looks like scrubs
This now counts as stolen valor.
7. Swag for celebrities who were canceled during quarantine
Sorry you didn’t get enough use out of your Alison Roman tank, but it’s over. No one regrets buying Ellen boxer briefs more than I do.
8. Low-waisted jeans
We actually just should get rid of these forever.
9. Masks as neckties
These still need to be covering your faces, people. That includes noses.
10. The same thing you wore yesterday
and the day before that and the day before that
Clothes from the “need to be washed” pile are out. Clothes from the “might need to be washed” pile are still fine. It’s going to take a long time, but trust me — you will adjust to wearing clean clothes again. We’re all in this together.
11. Your own sweat and filth
These are now just accessories, not a full outfit.
Rules are still rules. Haven’t you seen Never Been Kissed?
Illiustrations by Caroline Doyle