“Amazon has set off a scrum among cities that are hoping to land the company’s second headquarters — with the winner getting the prize of a $5 billion investment and 50,000 new jobs over the next two decades.” — New York Times, 9/9/17
Dear Mr. Bezos,
Have you considered headquartering Amazon.com in Hell? It’s the kind of disruptive, eye-catching, value-creating move that would really get the tech world talking and, in all fairness to our competition, Hell is far nicer than Philadelphia.
Unlike cities on the earthen plane, Hell can easily accommodate a structure housing 8 million square feet of Class A office space. We can even build it for you for free, using the labors of the legion of the damned, whose numbers total in the hundreds of billions. Hell, I have already ordered it built as a gesture of good faith. It is magnificent and the gargoyles on top are actual, living gargoyles. You just try getting a building with breathing, gurgling gargoyles in some white-bread nowhere town like Denver. Check it out on Zillow and you’ll see that it’s priceless; the abattoir alone is worth ten of your current headquarters. And, if you don’t want it as an abattoir, it would make a great gym, which will keep your health insurance rates low.
Amazon will find Hell’s labor and employment laws quite business-friendly. We have an incredibly talented and highly motivated workforce, paid in its own forlorn tears. We also have more PhDs than you’ll find on the entire planet Earth and that’s not counting people with honorary degrees from Emory.
You’ll find a wide range of workers down here, not just executives. We have security personnel, maintenance workers, and technicians. If you need a call center, Hell has the largest concentration of already up and running call centers in the known universe. If you’ve ever tried to get customer service from Comcast, believe me, you’ve dealt with one of ours.
You know that plan you have to use drones to deliver packages? The one that is never, ever going to get off the ground? Scrap it. Set up your headquarters in Hell and you can deliver packages safely and securely via our own eldritch spirits. Imagine instant Prime delivery of a Keurig K575 Single Serve Programmable K-Cup Coffee Maker with 12-oz. Brew Size and Hot Water on Demand (Platinum) by Azazel, the ancient demon once known to the Abyssinians as “the Eater of Souls.”
We can even add features to your products. Does your iPhone-enabled Sphero Star Wars branded BB-8 remote control droid perhaps seem possessed by Molech, the mighty creature once worshipped throughout all of Canaan? Let us know in your review! Your friends will marvel at how your toy has gained the unearthly power of flight and has learned to demand persuasively for human sacrifice.
I know you’re worried about access to airports. Good news: every airport in the world, especially those in the United States, serve as gateways to Hell. Where do you think Chili’s Too comes from? Who do you think trains TSA workers? It is especially easy to get from Hell to LaGuardia. Most people can’t even tell they’ve made the trip.
To top it all off, there are no taxes. We believe you will do Hell a great service by adding “jobs at Amazon” to the list of tortures and degradations that we can inflict on lost souls. Among the denizens of Hell you will also find some of history’s most successful tax cheats. All of Arthur Andersen is down here. Remember them? You will save billions on labor and you’ll get a refund from Uncle Sam every year.
Mr. Bezos, thank you for considering my proposal. Surely, you will choose to inhabit the new headquarters we have built for you. Don’t delay the inevitable by kicking it to the board or refusing our offer. Some day, Mr. Bezos, you will find yourself in our magnificent building, of this I have no doubt. You know deep down in your dark heart that Amazon belongs in Hell. It’s time to come home, Jeff.