“Republican Senator Roy Blunt from Missouri said Trump’s actions on the day of the capitol attack were ‘reckless,’ but he says he should finish out his term.”
WKMBC, 1/11/21

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To the Last Alliance Leaders of Middle-Earth:

I have no doubt you’ve caught wind of the raid upon Gondor’s capital, Osgiliath. I, Isildur, heir to the throne of Gondor, am writing to assure you this incident was easily curtailed, and we are hunting down the handful of orcs responsible for the assault. Furthermore, we, the Men of the White City, believe it isn’t prudent to move up the plan and don’t think it’s necessary. Yes, he’s the strongest Dark Lord since Morgoth, but he’s only in power for one more week. What’s the worst that could happen?

Our assessment of the semi-violent protest is as follows: other than a couple of casualties, they only broke some stained-glass windows and smeared feces upon my brother’s throne. (That’s kind of a victory in my book!)

“But how could this have happened?” you may ask. In theory, Gondor’s capital should be one of the most secure locations in all of Middle-Earth. We are looking into every possible avenue as to how this band of well-armed, brainwashed, and invited supporters of the Dark Lord penetrated the walls of Osgiliath. It is disconcerting. But to be fair, when ordered to leave, they kind of did. We feel hopeful that they’ll simmer down. Our defenses were essentially unmanned, and despite pleas from inside the walls for help from Gondor, we denied them. Repeatedly. You see, we find that when things are ignored, they usually sort themselves out.

Upon further reflection, we are not entirely sure the orcs and trolls who participated in this demonstration were indeed sent by Sauron. Yes, the Mouth of Sauron encouraged the pro-Evil horde into a “trial by combat.” Yes, the crowd was painted with Sauron’s Red Eye and chanted his name. But anyone can mix paint and yell. We have it on good rumor that there were hobbits mixed into the gathering and inciting violence. Granted, we started these rumors, but oftentimes rumors are true.

To be clear, we disagree with what happened at Osgiliath, and will continue to investigate, maybe sometime in the spring when it’s nice outside, and only enough to get your elf-eyes off our back. No one in Gondor will attempt to capitalize on the conflict created by this divisive Dark Lord, that is unless it’s directly profitable for me or my kingdom.

And I hear your concerns about Sauron’s possession of the One Ring for the next few days, but he won’t use it. Sure, he shook hands with the Evil Wyrms of the North, infected his zealous supporters with xenophobia and disease, and put hobbits in cages. But he must be tuckered out by now.

I hope this letter provides reassurance for the peace to come. It is time for both sides, Free People and all of the shit monsters Sauron spawned, to come together and heal. I assure you, when we expel him from Barad-dûr, that jewelry is going right into the fire! Elrond and I have had multiple meetings about this. We are on the same page. And afterward, the Enemy certainly won’t skulk in the shadows of his fortress Dol Guldor on the Mar-a-Lago property — I mean Mirkwood — to gather his forces again.

Besides, it’s only a week. What’s the worst that could happen?