I am falsely accused of a crime and find myself at an intense trial that could end in jail time. The judge tells me that he will drop all the charges if I can give him information about five men spotted at the scene of the crime. He shows me the pictures of the suspects. They are the members of One Direction.
I go to the bank to make a withdrawal, and they tell me they have new safes to hold large sums of money. I overhear the employees talking about how the code for the safe is the phone number sung at the beginning of “Kiss Me Thru The Phone” by Soulja Boy. There is also a fingerprint scanner that will only unlock if the person’s fingers have evidence of using an iPod shuffle to listen to the song “Kiss Me Thru the Phone” by Soulja Boy.
I am in a relationship with a dashing prince looking for a wife to help him run his country. The prince is a staunch feminist, so he wants his future wife to be a member of his cabinet rather than just a figurehead. I have made it to the final round of courtship and am being interviewed by his advisors. “Your résumé is very impressive,” the head of state tells me, “but we are looking for someone who can act out Marisa Tomei’s ‘My biological clock is ticking’ monologue from My Cousin Vinny.” He stares at me intently, “It’s a required skill for this position. Are you up to the task?”
I am running for president, and I’m on the final debate stage with my opponent. I am expounding on my detailed healthcare plan when our moderator, Anderson Cooper, interrupts. “Sorry,” he says, “We’ve been doing polls of the American public, and the number one issue on everyone’s mind is which candidate can make the best plastic lace friendship bracelet. Like the ones that were really popular at summer camps in the early 2000s.” Staffers come out with various colored laces for us to use. “Bonus points will be given to candidates who incorporate multiple colors,” Cooper adds.
I see a poster for a lost border collie pinned to a telephone pole. Apparently, the dog’s owner is a wealthy heiress, and she is offering $10,000 for anyone who can find her precious pet. She mentions on the flyer that the dog’s name is Hubert, he is friendly, and most importantly, he is very responsive to in-depth and heavily subjective recaps of Love Island Season 10.
I have decided to pull a heist on the aforementioned Soulja Boy bank, but there is a room full of lasers I must get past before I can get to the safe. The lasers are in a very specific pattern where they can be successfully avoided only by doing the “We’re All in This Together” dance from High School Musical with 70 percent accuracy.
I am at a basketball game, and my favorite team is one point away from winning the national championship, but at the last minute, the best player is injured and forced to sit out the rest of the game. “We’ve got to get in the other team’s head,” the coach says. “Who here is ready to be a leader,” he continues, “and psyche them out with facts about the little-known Sondheim musical The Frogs, starring Nathan Lane and Roger Bart?” No one on the team is brave enough to take the responsibility. I stand up—we are going to win this championship, after all.