CVS PHARMACY: JERRY, your prescription is ready. Please pick up within the next 24 hours. Don’t worry, we’ll be in touch with reminders.
CVS PHARMACY: Your medication is ready. Please pick up before TODAY at 10 MINUTES FROM NOW. On behalf of the whole team and our manager BIL YULGOVIAN, we look forward to seeing you.
CVS PHARMACY: Please pick up Rx. The staff WORKED HARD on it.
CVS PHARMACY: JERRY, we guess we have to SPELL IT OUT. Our manager BIL YULGOVIAN is a FRIGHTENING MYSTERIOUS MAN from UNDETERMINED EASTERN BLOC COUNTRY. Being managed by BIL YULGOVIAN is like working with a COEN BROTHERS’ VILLAIN. Worse still, this location is being heavily monitored by corporate because of a long history of UNCLAIMED PRESCRIPTIONS. Please pick up your meds or CVS will REVOKE OUR FRANCHISE RIGHTS and a NEWLY UNSHACKLED BIL YULGOVIAN will do GOD KNOWS WHAT.
CVS PHARMACY: JERRY, we have just heard from corporate that our location is shut down. We apologize for the inconvenience. This store is now under new ownership. Please stand by as we transfer your prescription to their system.
BIL’S PILLS: FUCKFACE, we are OFF THE GRID now. Pick up Rx or next text will be 12 GIGS of SURGERY PICTURES.
BIL’S PILLS: Please select which of following medications you would like us to tell your employer you purchase full shipping containers of:
- SCROTUM REPAIR LOTION
- UNCONTROLLABLE LAUGHTER PILLS FROM JOKER
BIL’S PILLS: Please select how you like us to contact your employer to disclose fictitious bulk purchases:
- SINGING TELEGRAM
- FLIERS DROPPED FROM AIRPLANE OVER BOSS’S FAVORITE GOLF COURSE
BIL’S PILLS: Your WIFE is HOT and your 2 SONS are BITCH. Would you like to PROTECT their HONOR? Come to our location to WRESTLE (and pick up prescription).
BIL’S PILLS: Since you have not picked up this order, we need to transfer it to long-term storage. Please select a location:
- UP YOUR BUTT
- AROUND THE CORNER
- IN BREAKROOM ON YOUR HOT WIFE’S BIG SHRINE (WE BUILT HER A BIG BIG SHRINE)
BIL’S PILLS: We are going to coat your prescription in CARAMEL and HIDE IT AT NURSING HOME. Whatever happens is YOUR BAD.
BIL’S PILLS: We are region’s leading supplier of HORSE INSULIN. If you do not pick up your prescription, we are going to SHOOT all of HORSE INSULIN. We found GUN and we are going to SHOOT BULLETS at INSULIN and all DIABETIC HORSE will be SICK because of YOU.
BIL’S PILLS: FUCK! The GUN we got was TOY from TOY AISLE. We need REAL GUN but cannot BUY because we are ON A LIST. Do you know anyone with REAL-LIFE GUN?
- NO, BUT ASKING AROUND
BIL’S PILLS: We can’t stop thinking about your HOT WIFE wearing nothing but LONG-ASS CVS RECEIPT. Damn! We are very HORNED UP! Does this make you ANGER? Please come into the store and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT such as OLYMPIC WRESTLE.
C.S.V. PHARMACIST: Hello JERRY, this CVS and not BIL YULGOVIAN. Everything is REGULAR again. You can come pick up your prescription now and we promise you are at zero risk of getting SHOT or KICKBOXED.
BIL’S PILLS2GO: FUCKFACE, since you will not come in, I am coming to DROP OFF PILLS and MAJOR DESTRUCTION OF ASS! I don’t have address. I am just driving around looking for house that gives off BITCH VIBES.
CVS SECRET SECURITY FORCE: JERRY, you can relax. We have apprehended Bil Yulgovian. He’s been arrested for violating Section 3.09.b of the CVS Code of Professional Conduct. He is currently being processed for lockup in our corporate penitentiary.
INMATE #9098 (CVS PENITENTIARY INMATE MESSAGING SYSTEM): FUCKACE, it BIL! If you tell CVS COPS they have wrong guy I will take back everything I said about BITCH SONS.
CVS PHARMACY CORPORATE SECURITY: JERRY, Bil has escaped by crawling vertically through the ventilation ducts. We were not aware of his extensive training in something called “war gymnastics.” We need to speak with you regarding your recent communications with him. Please call before TODAY at 10 MINUTES FROM NOW.
BIL’S CVS PHARMACY: FUCKFACE, me and CVS kiss and make up (PSY-OPS) and now we join together in historic corporate merger.
BIL’S CVS PHARMACY: OH BOY. Our records indicate we have been attempting to contact the WRONG PERSON. We want you to know that we are very sorry. However, we still think your 2 SONS are BITCH.