Dear valued customer!!!
Here at Speed Kills we’re very pleased to announce the launch of six-minute shipping! And we couldn’t be more proud to say we’re putting ground shipping six feet under!!
What’s more, the curse of next-day delivery has at last been lifted!! No longer must you suffer the torture of waiting a whole day to reap the fruits of your order! And oh do we know the anguish of waiting for your snakeskin selfie stick!! The endless screaming! It’s awful!
Can’t wait twelve hours for a eight-gallon drum of petro jelly?! Of course you can’t! And you’re not alone! Recent studies show a systemic spike in ridiculously impatient people! Case in point: would you rather twiddle your thumbs or use them in symphony with your fingers to zap another order your way?! We thought so!!!
Act on every hoarder impulse in your body and never wait for what you never needed ever again! Bury yourself in debt from the comfort of your own home! The type of comfort you can only get from ordering so much junk that you have enough bubble wrap to line the entire interior of your house!! Don’t delay!!!
We’ll save you time at all costs! Even if it’s at the price of killing people along the way! Wow! Sorry if that came across harsh! But if you can’t live without your Bluetooth bathroom mat in six minutes or less, then neither can people delaying our deliveries!
We’ll harpoon to and fro your abode so fast you won’t even need to get off the ole commode! Order while you sleep, have it delivered when you wake! Mainline a steady stream of shopping debauchery night and day!!!
We’re absolutely killin’ it when it comes to delivery times and innocent bystanders! When our numbers are up, anyone’s number could be up! Because let’s face it, sometimes the price of a human life is just the cost of doing business super fast! Go to war with time, and shrapnel’s bound to fly!!
Our team of dedicated warehouse slogs is certifiably insane when it comes to getting you your small batch seahorse jerky!! When you order online from our 900,000,000 item inventory, stored in our 20,000,000 sq. ft. warehouse, you’re not just another number! Every customer is equally disposable!
We ship everywhere instant gratification has its grips tight enough to generate a numbing sensation upon the human psyche! Once you experience six minute shipping, you’ll be so impatient it’ll be hard to cope with reality! GUARANTEED!!!
So saddle up, because this is the bucking bronco of shipping!!! A dangerous combination of power and speed that can trample you to death if you’re on the wrong end of a six-minute set of hoofs!
Can’t wait 360 seconds?!?!?! Upgrade to our Psycho 60 package and ride the light like a wild-eyed mental patient!!! Slip into a perpetual state of hallucination as you grapple with the widening chasm between stimulation and longing!!! Talk about fast!!!
We sure hope you skipped to the end this email, because in the time it’d take you to read the thing, we could’ve shipped you the new virtual reality coffin!!! This carbon fiber casket features NASA memory foam and a 24-port USB!! And best of all, it comes with our exclusive Dead Ship option at no extra charge!!! Order from within the tomb, and it ships straight into a landfill!! Never see the light of day again!!!
Buy or die!
Your devoted Speed Kills Team!!!!!!