It’s easy to feel like you’re falling behind your peers. When you were a kid, you always wanted to be the first to get the latest video game, or start dating, or get a driver’s license. And not much changes when you grow up. You hit 27 and all of a sudden all your friends start getting married. Then they have kids. By the time you’re 35, it seems like all your friends have houses in the suburbs and are sloughing off the brittle husks of their human bodies and becoming unspeakable vermin whose very appearance induces madness in the living, while you’re still single and renting a one-bedroom. But just because your friends have already violated all-natural and divine law doesn’t mean you won’t get there, too.
The important thing to know is that you’re not alone. There are millions of people around the world who have experienced these same feelings and, more literally, there are billions of parasitic interdimensional worms living in your body cavity right now. So don’t give up. The worms will dissolve your organs with their acidic excretions and transform your skin into a putrid, pulsating chrysalis when they, and you, are ready. There’s no rush.
It’s a myth that once you hit 40 you can’t slowly and agonizingly mutate from a human being into a hideous, infernal arachnid whose gluttonous shrieks are hymns to the mad vampire-goddess Maggorthulax. You have time. There’s no biological clock ticking. The parasitic worms inside you exist outside of our space-time continuum.
Of course, these days it’s even harder not to feel like you’ve fallen behind. Social media sites like Facebook and Instagram can make it seem like everyone you know is living a perfect life. But we can’t see the real picture, any more than our mortal eyes can see the eternal horrors that lie behind the veil of oblivion. Everyone has their struggles. It may look like all your friends are dashing off to Paris for a week of unholy fun at the Temple of the Sixty-Headed Goat, but keep in mind that people don’t usually make posts about the frustrations they experience, like getting lost in the catacombs or watching their husband be dismembered and fed still living to the Wolf of Desolation.
But even when you know all that, it’s hard to believe sometimes. You still have those days and nights when you wonder if you’ll ever crawl glistening from a chrysalis to feast on the blood of angels. Well, here are some things that will help you feel better: Write down your goals. Watch a favorite movie. And get some exercise. Exercise releases endorphins and endorphins irritate the interdimensional worms, which can sometimes get them to wake up early from the dreadful slumber where they gorge on your dreams and vomit nightmares. Sometimes you’ll go for a quick jog and the next thing you know you’re screaming in pain as your bones melt and your blood turns to brimstone. You never know!
Remember, it’s not a race. It doesn’t matter when we individually transform into gargantuan demon-spiders, what matters is that once we do, we all spend eternity together regurgitating our unholy feasts into a web of cosmic horror that will smother the stars and shroud the universe in unending darkness. You’re gonna be just fine.