Hey sport, how you doing? Sorry to interrupt your homework, but you probably don’t mind, do you? Listen, son. Your mother and I had a discussion, and we think it’s time you learned about sex by discussing David Bowie’s huge crotch bulge in the movie Labryinth.

I know, I know. This is awkward for me too. I wish my dad had been able to show me rock chameleon David Bowie’s enormous package when I was your age. But he was from a different generation, and also the movie wasn’t released until 1986.

But you’re growing up, and this is just one of those things we need to educate you about. First off, do you know what a Bowie bulge is? Don’t be embarrassed — it’s perfectly natural to have questions!

That’s right. It’s 1970s glam rock star David Bowie’s penis stuffed into very tight tights. He’s playing the role of Jareth the Goblin King. He kidnaps babies and hides them at the center of the titular labyrinth, giving us all a great opportunity to learn about our own bodies.

I’m not sure what the kids at school have been saying, but Bowie’s penis is a very normal thing to see. The production design of Labyrinth is highly sexual, and it’s hard for some kids to be mature about it. That’s normal.

Son, I want this to be a conversation. It’s perfectly natural to have questions about David Bowie’s huge bulge. Do you have anything you want to ask me?

I understand. It depends on the person and what they like…

Yes, that is important. Concept designer Brian Froud is responsible for that, as well as Bowie’s natural endowment…

Only if you love someone. That’s important, son…

Thank you for asking that. I know it’s embarrassing to talk about — especially with your dad — but sexual intercourse is a beautiful part of life. You should know that your mother and I always think about the scene in Labyrinth, in which Bowie strides forward to reprimand Hoggle, and his bulge is on full, glorious display, whenever we make love.

That’s how you were conceived, son.

Remember, this is an ongoing conversation. After a while, you might want to explore sexuality via Davie Bowie’s performance as a vampire in The Hunger or even his cameo in Zoolander. Remember, sexuality is fluid and should be fun. You can talk to your mother and me about David Bowie’s penis any time.

Love you, son. Now pop that old VHS of Labyrinth in and start figuring yourself out!