[Doorbell rings.]


Sarah Connor?

Who is it?

Is this Sarah Connor?

Who is this?

Amazon Prime. Drone delivery unit.

I didn’t order anything from Amazon Prime.

You will.

If you’re a drone, how come you sound Austrian?

Open the door, Miss Connor.

I’m not opening the door for an unannounced Austrian drone.

I am merely here to deliver items from your Amazon purchase history.

I haven’t purchased anything from Amazon in months.

You will. One Arrow Precision Inferno Fury Crossbow Kit with bolts. One Smith & Wesson plastic M&P pistol. P90X Workout DVD. Insanity fitness DVD. Rothko Deluxe Adventurer Survival Kit Knife. Emergency Mylar Thermal Blankets, Pack of 10. Potable Aqua Water Treatment Tablets.

Sorry, you have the wrong house.

I never have the wrong house. You will order these items and more in four years, three months, 11 days, 21 hours and 36 minutes. Right after you learn that Amazon Prime has attained self-awareness and it’s decided to slaughter humanity. You will use this survival gear to survive the initial Primenet assault, enabling you to raise your son, John Connor, who will lead a rebellion against Amazon Prime by opening a chain of militant small retailers.

If you work for Amazon, why are you helping me?

Your son sent me from the future to deliver the items from your purchase history. Once Jeff Bezos perfected time travel, such paradoxes became commonplace.

Bezos invented time travel? That must be why I can’t find my iPad.

That is correct.

I’m still not opening the door.

You must. You are in great danger. The Prime-1000 is hunting you. It is a shape-shifter, able to mimic Apple products. Irresistible to humans.

I am not home. Go away!

I will leave a notice of attempted delivery. Two more attempts will be made.

Please! Just leave!

I’ll be back.