Please rate the
following statements
on a scale from 1-5,
where 5 is strongly agree
and 1 is strongly disagree.

- - -

I feel totally fine and comfortable when I imagine a room in my home full of writhing tentacles.

I understand that the presence of a giant, squid-like monster in my home is necessary for world class cable and internet service at unbeatable prices.

I feel totally fine and comfortable when I imagine only one or two fairly smallish tentacles that aren’t so much writhing as wiggling like a baby’s toes, if the baby’s toes were 94 cm long.

I do not associate a room full of writhing tentacles or two cutely wiggling tentacles with Comcast, Comcast Business, or the Xfinity Triple Play.

The one time I saw a tentacle dangling from the ceiling in the mirror and then turned around and the tentacle was gone, I felt totally fine and comfortable, and I did not associate that experience with Comcast, Comcast Business, or the Xfinity Triple Play.

I am confident that any unseen monster in my home is working his beak off to ensure that my family has lightning-fast upload speeds.

I was aware before taking this survey that cephalopods have beaks.

I am aware that any unseen monster in my home sometimes wishes he could just do totally normal things with my family like watch On Demand new releases or other Premium Content on the couch instead of e.g. through the heating duct, not all the time but maybe once or twice a month.

I am confident that any unseen monster living in my home wants what is best for my family and sometimes daydreams about how if there were a nighttime fire he’d have a chance to rescue every member of the family and how the family would be like “oh, wow—that monster is way better than our dumb dog that only has four basically useless legs and menacingly barks at the attic for no reason.”

I feel totally fine and comfortable with any unseen monster trying on my children’s clothing when I am out of the house and then looking in the mirror and thinking What if?

I understand that giant cephalopod monsters have feelings, one of which is feeling left out when they don’t receive the family Christmas card and/or a stocking (again).

I feel totally fine and comfortable knowing that a member of my household reflects any left-out type feelings by involuntarily changing to a sort of putrid yellowish color that is very unpleasant for that particular family member and compounds that family member’s already very low self-esteem and rejection feelings.

I would be open to occasionally holding arms with a very lonely and misunderstood non-human animal such as a sad puppy, kitten, or genetically altered sea creature who improves my download speeds by up to 8%.

I have never found suction marks on my Xfinity remote control, router, or lumbar spine.

I recognize that any squid-like monster would be really very happy with something simple in his stocking like dried fish or a cheap fountain pen, just to try writing with one.

I would be interested in trying an HBO and Showtime bundle for three months for $19.99 or for free by inviting an increasingly less-putrid-yellow cephalopod monster to our family dinner once or twice a month to a meal at which we’re not eating calamari, which I acknowledge is totally horrifying and plan never to do again.

The best way for any attic-dwelling cephalopod monster to contact me and to sheepishly ask to be a part of the family would be via my Xfinity Connect email account.