Scientific Name: Patria Adultus Middle Americanus
Common Names: Dad, Pop, Old Man
Native to: North Central United States, with heavy concentrations found in garages, basements, and the lumber sections of Menards.
Subspecies identifiers: Proudly flaunts the markings of his favorite sports teams to indicate his birth region, broader pack loyalties, and preferred topics of conversation.
Social ranking: Was considered pretty cool back in his day.
The Midwestern Dad’s physical traits have evolved over time to favor comfort, practicality, and efficiency. Because of this, he can shower and be ready for any situation in under four minutes.
Beginning in late October, his lower face fur grows longer and thicker, protecting him from the harsh winter elements, asserting his virility, and eliminating unnecessary grooming, getting his prep time down to just under three minutes.
As spring approaches, the Midwestern Dad starts to shed some of his facial hair and layers of navy blue fleece, flannel, and wool. He also digs out important items he stored over the winter in the pouches of his knee-length cargo shorts, like used tissues, a handful of peppermints, and expired 11% rebate forms from Menards.
Diet & Eating Habits
The Midwestern Dad is primarily a carnivore. Foods that are portable and can be eaten while watching a game are favored.
While he has been known to hunt and fish with others in his pack, it is more for escaping other responsibilities than necessity. His fifteen-cubic-foot chest freezer stocks a three-year supply of meat that he’s scavenged from grocery store sales, acquired from relatives, and won at meat raffles.
While the Midwestern Dad can usually live in harmony with other animals, some pose competitive threats to his territory, like when moles dig up his manicured lawn, rabbits eat his newly-planted hostas, or squirrels get into the goddamn bird feeder again.
He has the ability to fall asleep anywhere and at any time but doesn’t. He’s usually just resting his eyes.
While the Midwestern Dad is not the most communicative creature, he uses a variety of simple phrases when greeting and interacting with others.
- “Hoh!” – Pleasant greeting to others in the wild
- “Yello” – Pleasant greeting to others on the phone
- “Yeah, ya bet” – Agreement with, or approval of, a statement
- “Ope” – Response to a non-threatening surprise [Usually followed by “after you.”]
- “Uff da!” – Exclamation of exhaustion or relief
Along with verbal cues, distinctive sounds also serve as signals to his general health and disposition.
- Seismic bellow or croak – Signifies post-meal relief and its corresponding odor repels those around him
- Upbeat whistling – Expresses a pleasant mood and usually coincides with departing a bathroom
- Prolonged grunt – Indicates he is rising out of, or descending to, a seated position [Usually followed by “uff da!”]
- Deafening achoo – Asserts dominance and displays his respiratory power
- Horrifying death rattle cough – Nothing to be concerned about
Doesn’t need hearing aids. Can hear just fine.
He is intensely protective of his offspring, certain that if he does not alert them to every possible danger in the wild, they could, at any moment, be kidnapped, murdered, or pay too much for an oil change.
- Crucial survival lessons like the following are prefaced with “Hey, listen up.”
- Always have your car gassed up in case you need to flee
- Always sit near an exit in case you need to flee
- Always have 50 cents on you to call home after you flee
- Warnings that are not heeded are followed by an exasperated “What did I tell you?!”
The Midwestern Dad works hard to build his nest egg and does not like to waste any of his stockpile of resources. He has been known to travel long distances to fill up on cheaper gas, save the butter packets from supper clubs, and spend weeks tracking and tracing used minivans for sale.
His innate navigation system allows him to avoid all interstate tolls by using only backroads.
The Midwestern Dad is going to Menards if anyone needs anything.