“Norwegian women’s beach handball team [has been] fined for not playing in bikinis. While male players are allowed to play in tank tops and shorts, women are required to wear bikini bottoms ‘with a close fit and cut on an upward angle.’”
— NBC, 7/20/21
We, the European Men’s Beach Volleyball Associate Disciplinary Commission, stand by our decision to fine the Norwegian men’s beach volleyball team for refusing to play in regulation dong-hugging banana hammocks during a game in our beloved sport’s Euro 2021 tournament.
In defiance of the rules, the team wore thigh-length, hog-hiding elastic shorts during their bronze medal match on Sunday to protest against the regulation zucchini-bikini design that our sport is famous for and requires.
Therefore, it was our commission’s unanimous decision that the team be fined 3,000 euros total — 1,500 euros for “improper clothing” and an additional 1,500 euros for being “less than sexy.”
As the team from Norway knows, male players must wear bespoke gossamer ball swings, cut “with a close fit and cut on a downward angle towards the inner top of the leg-meat” and a maximum width of three inches, according to International Volleyball Federation regulations.
This is not an arbitrary decision. The International Beach Volleyball Rules of the Game Handbook clearly states:
- All players of a team must wear identical sexy Norwegian nad-buckets
- The combinations of colors and design of the dong-sarongs for the two teams must be clearly distinguishable and differently erotic from each other
- The Beach Volleyball male player’s uniform should consist of two things: a thin layer of olive oil slathered over exposed skin and a “suitably sexy” plum-smuggler made of the flimsiest (and preferably transparent) material available
- Smile more
Ever since the beach volleyball scene in Top Gun seared itself into the world’s consciousness, this august body strives to uphold this sports’ reputation as the go-to destination for sun, fun, and throbbing cut and un-cut man-root wrapped in a delicate gauze of cock-sock that leaves just enough to the imagination.
We stand firm on this matter.