From the people who brought you Guy Fieri and casual racism™ comes the fitness sensation sweeping the nation: Wearing Your T-Shirt in the Pool™!

Tired of all the diet and exercise leading up to swimsuit season? Counting calories have you counting down the days until the sweet, merciful release of death? Are all the muscle-hunks at your local watering hole getting googly eyes from the smokin’ babes while you continue your sedentary lifestyle sulking on the sidelines? Get back in the game! Quit being a sad sack about it and start Wearing Your T-Shirt in the Pool™!

Will you have a flawless physique, rock-hard abs, or raw power? Maybe just a doughy mass of a grease-receptacle hiding behind a thinly veiled midsection? Who can possibly say! No one will have any idea when you start Wearing Your T-Shirt in the Pool™.

Wearing Your T-Shirt in the Pool™ is the only fitness program in America that relies on a supple, poly/cotton blend of fabric. When applied to the upper body, Wearing Your T-Shirt in the Pool™ powerfully activates the willful ignorance of other patrons at your local waterpark or pool. Where you once had to bare your rolls to show off your bitchin’ cannonball, now that protruding mass around your midsection might be, I don’t know, a bunch of yoga mats? While other fad fitness programs would have you run, bike, or even dance away “problem areas,” Wearing Your T-shirt in the Pool™ uses its proven method to gently abscond them from public view.

Surely you’re asking yourself, “How am I just hearing about this now? I ate carrots last week — carrots fucking suck!” Well, Wearing Your T-Shirt in the Pool™ is actually an ageless tradition, passed down through countless generations of uncles who smell like gin. But for the first time, these ancient secrets have been recorded and made available to the public exclusively through our 3-VHS set for the low, low price of $9.69.

But wait! Act now and we’ll throw in an old copy of Girls Gone Wild and a pool noodle for no extra charge. Don’t put down that Bud Heavy — call now!