In these uncertain times, with soaring inflation, emerging and not-so-emerging global health crises, and increasing food insecurity, you are looking to global institutions such as ours to provide strong leadership and guidance. We would like to assure you that we take these concerns very seriously and want you to know that you are absolutely on your fucking own here.
When we first assembled the world’s largest economies to address international concerns such as financial stability, climate change, and sustainable development, we weren’t super serious about that. We were mainly looking forward to the taxpayer-funded parties and sweet golf tournaments. The riots are also pretty exciting. We place bets and watch from behind armed security. It’s really fun.
We’ve heard your frenzied shrieks of “for the love of god, do something—the planet is burning,” but that’s, like, really scary, and we’d rather not think about it. We’re running out of resources here. Literally. We thought water was renewable, but it looks like that’s running dry too. Pardon the pun; we make jokes when we’re nervous.
We hear you, though, even though it’s hard up here in our ivory towers, what with the rubber bullets and the tear gas. Sorry about that, but Jair’s got some serious money on protester injury and class-action lawsuits. In any case, we don’t know what you’re expecting us to do; we can’t actually enforce any meaningful rules or regulations. We can merely make vague suggestions and host gala dinners.
With all the global uncertainty and unrest, we struggle to do anything productive. There’s just so much war and civil conflict going on right now. How can anyone concentrate on anything? How are you still getting up for work in the morning? Do you read the news? There is just so much death and destruction, we can’t even.
So please stop asking. This is the new normal. Please, get used to it. Because we have no idea how to fix any of this stuff, and it’s starting to make us anxious. We never thought that far beyond meeting up for some cool group photos once a year. We tried subsidizing more fossil fuel companies, and it hasn’t worked. We’re also hung up on uninviting Vladimir to future summits. We waited too long, and now it’s awkward, and he’s really intimidating.
So we’ve got to work through some stuff, and then maybe when conditions improve, we’ll give you a hand out there. Let us know when you figure something out—best of luck.