Landlord: “The Moment”

Tenants: All millennials claiming to “live in the moment.”

Address: “The Ether,” alternatively known as the SoulCycle in Murray Hill.

Basis for Eviction: The Moment no longer wants millennials to “live in it.” The Moment did not consent to the barrage of young people choosing the moment as their new residence. The Moment likes its peace and quiet, so much so that as soon as someone notices the Moment, it vanishes and becomes a completely different moment. The Moment also believes its young tenants are driving down overall property values, particularly those who are also “finding themselves” via the study of brass instruments.

Legal Foundation: The Moment does not believe squatter’s rights apply to arbitrarily small units of time. Historically, young people spent much more time visiting the Moment but did not claim it as their official residence, and this circumvented legal restrictions. However, since the invention of headphones, young people everywhere have sworn that they’re taking up full-time residence in the Moment, and this simply violates property laws. The Moment is also empowered to evict anyone it likes because previous attempts to capture and imprison the moment have resulted in police officers slapping their outstretched palms together in futility.

Impact: Fortunately, the Moment believes that millennials will not be heavily impacted by eviction from the Moment. Most millennials who claim to live in the Moment actually only pop in while riding in Ubers or in the ten minutes following therapy, so in reality, paying rent for the Moment is actually a waste of their parents’ money.

Alternate Housing Suggestions: The Moment understands that housing is tight in cities where “living in the Moment” has become popular, such as San Francisco and NYC. While the Moment would prefer that the city government try to build more affordable housing, the Moment also recommends moving back in with their parents. There’s also the yoga studio where numerous millennials have purchased a $400 a month membership. Surely some of that must go towards rent. Also, if millennials really want to be in touch with “the Moment,” Walden Pond is making some space available for the low, low price of $2700/room/month (about what Thoreau paid, adjusted for inflation).

Witness: The Moment’s witness to this legal agreement is its father, the Hour. The Hour would like to apologize for spending limited time with the Moment but wants to make clear to all parties involved that he is the father to an infinite number of Moments, so it’s difficult to manage all legal affairs and attend every single baseball game. He has done his best.

Date effective: Me (this moment).

Additional Notes: Millennials are advised to please stop listing the Moment as a residence during voter registration. Also, if they were really woke, they’d opt out of paper mail.