THERE’S. NO. TIME.
[FIRST NAME], we are desperate. We emailed you. We texted you. You asked us to stop, and we didn’t. So let us say this now: The only thing standing between this country and pure, unadulterated disaster is your $7.
The stakes are higher than ever. Higher than when we emailed you 45 minutes ago saying they were higher than ever. This is BIG time, for REAL, no more JOSHIN’ AROUND. We need your money like our intern Zach needs to be let out of the supply closet, but that door locks from the outside, and baby, we ain’t doing a thing about it until you give us ten American greenbacks. See? We’re serious.
Are you going to donate? Do you feel guilty? Do you feel annoyed? Just know: even if you do give us money, we’re going to keep sending these.
DONATE THOSE CROSS-COUNTRY SKIS
THAT HAVE SAT AROUND IN THE GARAGE
FOR 15 YEARS
We can’t let this chance slip away. WE KNOW we’ve sounded the alarm before. WE KNOW you deleted 45 all-caps emails yesterday. GOD, WE GET IT, WE’RE ANNOYING, but HOW ELSE are we supposed to ENCOURAGE you to PARTICIPATE in democracy?
If you don’t donate RIGHT NOW, the blood will be on your hands. And we’re talking literal blood: one thumbtack has already pierced Zach’s tender, bookish skin, and there’s 499 more in this Office Max bulk order. You know what’ll make it stop? Twenty big ones.
DONATE A PORTION OF MY LIVER
Our records show that you have yet to donate this month. And sure, last month, you donated to organizations that support anti-racism and trans rights, but NONE OF YOUR PRIOR GOOD DEEDS MATTER RIGHT NOW. Why? Because right now, we’re scared. Scared that you’re rolling your eyes instead of being the ENGAGED CITIZEN you pretend to be on Twitter.
Fifty grubby bucks. That’s all we’re asking. What, you’re too good to donate fifty measly bones? Too tired of our DESPERATE PLEAS and PANICKED APPEALS to click that big stinkin’ button and stop Zach from being led at knifepoint into the bowels of a D.C. metro station? Please, [FIRST NAME], we need you. Zach needs you. He’s asking for anything you can spare. He looks like a loser when he cries. Help us win this fight.
We are so grateful for your generous support. Remember: we do this work for you.