You head out from Plymouth Rock in your covered minivan. You stock up on provisions: one side of beef, a pallet of goldfish, and three hundred bento boxes of aesthetically pleasing sandwiches for your children, Elvira and Max.
You pack a few cases of wine (#winemom) and shiplap siding for the van’s interior (#rustic).
The general store salesman offers you three muskets. But you are already armed to the teeth with self-affirmations from Instagram influencers.
Bonnets are out. You wear foundation with sunscreen as part of your skincare routine, so you’ll probably be fine.
On your first night on the trail, it snows. Fortunately, your mom jeans provide enough warmth and coverage for your family of four.
Elvira and Max refuse to eat any sandwiches. They have died of starvation.
You eat Elvira and Max’s sandwiches. They are delicious and delightfully shaped.
The beef and goldfish are gone now too. You guess it’s time to… hunt?
Without guns, you shout self-care affirmations at the deer.
DIRECT HIT! Instead of becoming venison, the deer step into their power and start new careers as life coaches.
They are named Terry and Doug, they’ll have you know.
You forage for berries. Google Images and WebMD suggest that they probably aren’t poisonous.
Your husband, Kyle, has died of poisoning. But he was a Kyle, so…
Newly single on the trail, you take some selfies for your IG Stories as you run your fingers through golden blades of grass. Your wide brim hat provides excellent sun protection and makes you look effortlessly chic.
You wonder whether these pictures would’ve looked better with your recently deceased family. You imagine their outfits—tasteful neutrals, askew bowties, shabby sweaters. You let out a small sigh of regret.
You approach Donner Pass. With Terry and Doug’s help, you climb through the snow, shoot deer (sorry, Ted and Donna!), and build fires out of Kyle’s ironic T-shirt collection.
It’s time to ford a river! Terry and Doug help you overcome your irrational fear of drowning while fording a river. #girlboss
You get through and plan your #FinishedtheOregonTrail post. Woohoo! You notice your phone has fallen in the river.
You have died of irrelevance.