“To discuss the cause and effect of these storms, there’s the… place (and time) to do that, it’s not now." Scott Pruitt, Environmental Protection Agency Administrator, 9/7/17

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While our agency is closely monitoring the sudden appearance of the Red Horse of the Second Seal we don’t think now is the appropriate time to be discussing Armageddon. To focus on the cause of the Red Horse, or the Pale Horse, or the rivers of fire mingled with blood, or the unclean spirits bursting forth like frogs from the mouth of The Beast, is to divert our attention away from getting the necessary assistance to those affected by these inconveniences.

Are the locusts emanating from the smoke of the Bottomless Pit a sign of the End Times? Who can really know for sure? But, all this wild speculation serves to accomplish right now is to just create more bureaucratic red tape keeping our miners from getting back to work earning their livelihoods in the Bottomless Pit.

Sure, there are fiery mountains crumbling into boiling oceans at this very moment. But is there any direct link between this and the deterioration of our water supply? It’s simply too early to say. We understand the importance of the issue but need time to commission new studies uncorrupted by the special interests of science. It could be decades until we know for sure. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

If we are to stay prudent and responsible during this difficult time, we must pause for a moment and ask ourselves: the scarlet-colored Beast with seven heads and ten horns upon which the whore of Babylon sitteth, couldn’t this be a hoax invented by the Chinese? I mean, look at the kind of stuff they come up with for Chinese New Year. They’ve got dragons ten, twenty feet long. Every color you can think of! Let’s not put anything past them until we have enough time to investigate, OK? We need to let this process run its due course and not sit around politicizing something as serious as the End Times, if indeed that’s what we’re even experiencing.

Moreover, with all of these scorpions and lambs and seven-headed Beasts and odd-colored horses roaming around out there… wouldn’t this situation be more appropriately handled by the Department of the Interior? We absolutely need to develop a much more nuanced understanding of the issue before we can even figure out which government administration is best equipped to handle it.

So, in the meantime, we should be mindful of when and when not to discuss the Apocalypse. Certainly not in the midst of such chaos and confusion. Nobody is served when we rush to conclusions after watching the sun turn black as sackcloth made of hair. What even is sackcloth anyway? Does anyone know? Is it even really black? Is it made of hair? So many unexplored questions! Come to think of it, if the sun IS black now then maybe we need to revisit the budget we have set aside for solar energy altogether.