Hey, how’s it going? I’m a Salad Bar, and we’re back. Know what that means? It means the pandemic is pretty much over.

What, you don’t believe me?

Didn’t you see the new vinyl sign hanging outside the Hometown Diner on Route 100?

The one that said: SALAD BAR IS OPEN!!!

To me, this says more about the current state of the virus than any slick epidemiologist will ever tell you.

We are defeating this thing ONE SALAD BAR AT A TIME.

Yeah, this is a movement. We’ve got momentum. Once you wheel us back on the diner floor, this virus doesn’t stand a chance, baby.

Listen, I know what you’re thinking. Salad bars were gross before a virus spread by airborne respiratory droplets. I’ll grant you there was a lot of commingling with the ladles. Beet juice stains. Stray cheddar flecks. Garbanzo bean skins. I could go on. But you can’t blame us. That’s all user error.

If you respect us, we eradicate this virus. It’s that simple.

I know you’re thinking: Why didn’t we do this sooner? Why wait a whole year to send such a strong message by reopening salad bars to defeat the virus? Well, you know what they say about hindsight.

But, hey, let’s focus on today. Let’s focus on the fact that the hardworking diner owners of America are now taking this selfless step. I’ll just say it. It’s goddamn HEROIC.

And, I don’t want to steal anyone’s thunder, but wait until you see the Salad Bar Dashboard Tracker. It’s going to revolutionize the pandemic response worldwide. Basically, you click on your region and see how many diners in your area have reopened their salad bars. That tells you how safe your community is. Once the dashboard goes from the brown salad icon to the green salad icon, we’ve won. It’s that simple.

Best idea since the sneeze protector.

The long nightmare is over. You can thank us now. Or you can wait until you’ve dropped that first bomb of ranch on a pile of cubed ham. Your choice!