Remember sex? There was the classic spoon, the reverse cowgirl, the seated lotus, the sofa edge, and many others I still don’t understand. I suspect those positions are still around, but as a married father of young boys, I need to stay extremely focused on being ignored, being disrespected, and being punched in the genitals. Sure, my wife and I still ponder intercourse during those temporary spasms of rejuvenation. Hell, sometimes we even go through with it. But these days, our most frequent positions couldn’t possibly be more sexless.

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7. Dropping to Your Knees to Hug the Toilet

Your kid came home with his sixth stomach bug of the month? No big deal, what are the chances of you catch — BBLLUUUUUUUURGGHH. Oh, you’re already loudly vomiting your intestines out? Let your spouse comfort you, that’s awful. I hope he or she doesn’t also — GET-OUT-OF-THE-WAY-NOWBBLLUUUUUUUURGGHH. Looks like you both have it, hmmm. Who’s going to bring over Saltine crackers and take care of the kids in a very contagious house? Oh, right. No one. Wanna fool around?

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6. Facedown On the Bed,
Waiting for Your Antidepressants to Kick In

Hot! There’s nothing like postpartum depression finally evaporating to make room for regular depression. But wait, why would you be in a clinical state of pulsating dread? Ah, now I remember. It’s from being utterly overwhelmed every second of every day. But surely in this day and age there are antidepressants that don’t decimate your libido, right? You naturally have no sex drive because you’re a middle-aged shell of a person who hasn’t had a restful night of sleep in eight years? Gotcha, take as many meds as you need.

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5. Touching Each Other’s Bodies Accidentally
While Spreading Out On the Sofa

The kids are in bed and you both want to numb-out on any available electronic device. What’s the problem? Just this: your feet lightly brushed against your spouse’s, and now a response is in order. Are affection, intimacy, and even sex on the horizon? Oh god, no. You’re both going to rearrange yourselves on the couch and never speak of this incident again.

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4. Bent Over Side of Bed
So You Don’t Accidentally Crush Your Child

What the fuck happened here? Every goddamn parent knows not to let your kid sleep with you at night. This is the worst possible outcome of bringing a third person into bed with you. It’s like three friends waking up with a hideous hangover trying to piece the night together. Next time have the good sense to crash in your kid’s room so your spouse can get some sleep in between masturbation sessions.

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3. Wearing Sexy Masks So At Least
Light Won’t Wake You Up Seven Times Tonight

Being blindfolded can definitely be arousing. Know what isn’t a turn-on? Your kid shrieking his guts out at 2:48 a.m. because he can’t find the paper name tag he wore at camp that day which he transferred to his pajama top and — oh wait, it’s right there on the floor in front of his bed! Who would have guessed? Crisis averted. Put that silky sleep mask back on and get some shut-eye before the 3:32 a.m. name tag shift.

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2. Thrusting Legs In The Air
to Reach Down and Pick Up 17 Toys

Whenever I see my wife bent over a sofa, I know exactly what’s going on: she’s in the mood to pick up toy trains and stuffed animals! My kids in particular love to toss heavy cabooses at the wall, watch them slide down behind the couch, and then immediately ask me why I haven’t retrieved them yet. Is it stimulating to see the missus in this unintentionally erotic position? Of course. That’s why I often drop toys back there myself.

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1. Staring Into Each Other’s Eyes
to Determine Who Is More Exhausted

- “Oh my god, how can I possibly keep this up? I did so much today.”

- “Right, so did I.”

- “Did you?”

- “What does that mean?”

- “Well, you did things but I’m not sure you understand how much more I do.”

- “Hard to get an exact measurement on that.”

- “Look at me. Look at me. I’m sorry if that hurt your feelings and I just want to say that WOW YOU DON’T EVEN LOOK DEAD TIRED.”

- “I’m completely fatigued and drained and I have no idea who I even am anymore.”

- “There’s still some life in your eyes.”

- “Is this a competition?”

- “It is, babe, and I just won.”

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Illustrations by Giulia Germinsky