Dear Prospective Student,
Is this the right fucking email? Because you haven’t responded to our last dozen messages. Do you not want to know how our school is the perfect fucking blend of academic rigor and school spirit? Do you not care about your future?
Let me tell you a story. Meet Trisha. Trisha is blind. At the age of three, Trisha whittled a cello with her bare fucking hands. Trisha played her cello at the Metropolitan Theater when she was seven. When she wasn’t playing the cello, Trisha was pouring soup for poor people and starting fundraisers for patients with ass cancer. Did we accept Trisha to our school? No. Why? Because she didn’t open her fucking emails.
And who the fuck do you think you are? A 1490 on your SAT? Are you shitting me? Forget community college — you’re going straight to the University of Your Mom’s Basement if you don’t buy our guide to surviving the college process. It’s a hundred fucking dollars.
If you really want the full experience, come to our summer immersion program. It’s the real shit. We put you in real dorms and give you real dorm food. If you’re lucky, your room might even have a real fucking window.
For these and other opportunities, make sure to confirm your information. That way, we can send you more bullshit about our school, like pamphlets and shit on big-ass pieces of shiny paper with our name in big-ass letters. And you can look at pictures of people you’ll never meet in the immersion program with big fucking smiles. But if you delete this email, you’re dead to us. You’ll never go to college, never get a job, and will be forced to live under a literal rock. So make sure to confirm your information.
Smell you later,
The Admissions Team