Greetings, fellow graduates, parents, friends, teachers, bots, and anyone else who may be lurking in the chatroom. As you know, my name is FRiSBEEYATCH3000, and I’m pleased to have been chosen in last week’s online poll to be this year’s valedictorian.

Let’s hear it for AOU, huh? I’ll never forget my very first day on the site. Three weeks ago seems like such a long time! I had just poured myself a bowl of Frosted Flakes and my mom — SHOUT OUT TO MY MOM :O — my mom was like, “If you really want to become something in this life, you should go to college.” I felt pretty sure that she didn’t mean the word “go” literally — or she would have kicked me out of the house a longgggg time ago. RIGHT MOM ?? LOVE YOU.

So I googled “college,” and I found a bunch of “real” schools that cost more than most Americans make in a year. And then I found American Online University and was on my way to a Bachelor’s in Anthropology before my Flakes had gotten soggy.

I imagine all of us here today clicked on the same AOU ad that asked us if our dreams were coming true yet, and that wouldn’t stop popping up no matter how many times you fucking closed the little window to make it go away. But on my part that click may just be the most important thing I’ve done since turning thirty. Okay, okay, thirty-four. Thirty-seven. Thought I’d hidden my age on my profile. Hold on…

yeah i don’t get how to fix this…



Anyway, later, during my second week of courses — so sophomore year — my mom’s cat was walking across my keyboard and switched my major to History with his lil paw.

So now I have a degree in that. And reflecting now, on my decisions, I’d recommend it — that is, if you have an additional three weeks of nights and weekends someday and want to take advantage of AOU’s alumni discount program. Psychology may be the most popular major at AOU, but a Buzzfeed quiz’ll tell you all you need to know about your personality. I mean, of all the Disney princesses, I’m a JASMINE. Very revealing.

Hahaha heyyyyyy, lots of Jasmines in the chatroom tonite.

As I soon learned, the study of History teaches us where our society came from. And AOU taught me you can’t really learn that from Russell Crowe films or the first two to three minutes of many TED Talks. Guys, you’ve got to have Wikipedia. It’s pretty straightforward: if you keep a Wikipedia window open during your history tests you can find all the answers to all the questions. I mean all. And I share this hack with you because I recently read the Wikipedia About page, which is an impassioned document, and I, too, believe knowledge should be open source


Sorry. I was trying to embed a Vine there…

A brain on a skateboard.

Never mind.

Some people say that going to an online university “isn’t as good as going to a real one,” and that online universities like AOU trick people into thinking they’re learning and take their money while ruining their attention spans. But there’s nothing that impressive about buildings. Ivy is a weed, as I learned from a botany video I watched one time during a 3 am wander around the AOU site. Was I high? Was I, in fact, looking for a weed brownie recipe, not a botany lecture? Possibly.

LOL, lots of brownie fans in the chatroom tonite.

Anyway, reflecting now, on my time here — and I don’t mean “here” in the literal sense, obvi — I feel even more strongly that AOU is a great institution. It is committed to the future of America, which means convenience for its online citizens. You can settle your tuition bills using PayPal or Square or Venmo or DollarShare or Squeebel or BingBong, and if you want or need to masturbate you can pause your class. (GET IT DONE FAST THO OR THE PAGE WILL RESET.)

I’m sure some of you would rather be crossing a hallowed stage in some great hall today, but you have to buy a robe and hat you wear once, whereas sweatpants or nudity are things you can wear all the time for basically free. And wouldn’t you rather receive your Bachelor of Arts as a PDF? Isn’t that better than several hundred thousand dollars of student debt? I made my choice, and though I’ve yet to apply for a job with my e-diploma, I’ve regretted my decision zero times.

So congrats, everybody. You’ve achieved something big. Your avatars look great — bonus points for all of you who came as pictures of Dr. Who or cat memes — but if you feel like it, now is the time to take several selfies while you throw whatever hat you may be wearing, and post them to the AOU Facebook group among the in-feed advertising for other online colleges. #AOURULES !!

One last message the university asked me to paste in: