“If you can’t say anything nice about anyone else’s children, come sit by me.”

“She knows her letters from A to B! Isn’t she amazing?!”

“Brevity is the soul of high school musical productions.”

“That child is learning eighteen languages but doesn’t understand ‘No’ in any of them.”

“If you want to know what God thinks of children, just look at the people he gave them to.”

“Money is no object; I want only enough to keep a nanny between me and my kids.”

“Men seldom make passes at lactating lasses.”

“The two most beautiful words in the English language are ‘nap time’.”

“I require only three things of a man. He must get up for night feedings and change diapers. Is that only two? Okay, I require only two things of a man.”

“Childbirth pains you; diapers are damp,
Spit-up stains you and little feet stamp.
Abandonment’s unlawful;
the pediatrician says he’s hyperactive,
I’m going to kill myself if you don’t come home early tonight,
I mean it, I’m totally not kidding.”

“Hi, I’m Dorothy… Timmy’s mom. "