RABBI:
Welcome, everyone. This year, as we do each year, we come to synagogue to read the story of Purim, in which the villain Haman, a minister of the Persian King Achashverush, plots to kill all the Jews of Shushan, and the brave heroes Mordechai and Queen Esther save the Jewish people from this tragic fate.

This story resonates strongly today, for we recognize that evil and hatred still exist in our midst. The modern-day Ahashverush is Donald Trump. Haman takes the form of White Supremacists. Mordechai is Robert Mueller and Nancy Pelosi is Esther.

CONGREGANT 1:
Blasphemy! Donald Trump is Mordechai and Ivanka is Esther. Haman is the fake news media.

CONGREGANT 2:
Then who’s Achashveirush?

CONGREGANT 1:
Michael Cohen.

CONGREGANT 2:
That doesn’t even make sense. Ahasuerus is a clueless king. That’s clearly Trump. Mordechai and Esther are all of us who resist. Haman is Stephen Miller and Jexodus is both a hoax AND an insult to Leon Uris.

CONGREGANT 3:
And what about Vashti, or as I like to call her, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez?

CONGREGANT 1:
If she thinks her mother can move down to Florida without anyone getting angry, she is sorely mistaken.

RABBI:
Friends, friends, we are all one family. Let us not…

CONGREGANT 1:
Chuck Schumer is not my family.

CONGREGANT 2:
Steve Mnuchin can go jump in a lake. Wait. Is he still in the administration? Or did he get fired?

(Silence while everyone tries to remember who’s been fired.)

RABBI:
Never mind the analogies. Let’s return to the original …

CONGREGANT 4:
On the subject of Steves, can we say Steve Bannon is Haman? Can we at least all agree on that?

(Murmurs of approval)

CONGREGANT 3:
I thought Jared was Mordechai.

(Everyone laughs.)

CONGREGANT 1:
QAnon says Trump is God.

RABBI:
I can’t see how we can reconcile that with the Ten Comman—

CONGREGANT 2:
Das Kapital or bust!

RABBI:
Friends, you are right. We should not hide the truth. There is too much that divides us this Purim. We may be brothers and sisters, but we are living through dark and fractious times. Are we supporters of this government, or its resisters? Is anti-Semitism more dangerous from the right, or from the left? Are Muslim members of Congress allies against white supremacy and a symbol of the greatness of an inclusive America, or people whose language we should police obsessively? And why are Evangelicals so into us if they think we’re going to hell?

THE SIMPLE SON:
What is this even about?

RABBI:
Good question, my son, even if you’re in the wrong timeline. Purim is a joyous holiday. Why are we talking about politics?

VOICE:
Because this holiday is literally about a government-sanctioned anti-Semitic plot to commit genocide against the Jewish people and that’s not even the most recent example of this type of thing, and deep in our collective hearts we believe that this plot is ongoing forever in perpetuity.

RABBI:
Who said that?

(The ark opens, emitting golden light.)

CONGREGANT 1:
It’s a false idol!

CONGREGANT 2:
It’s a miracle of light!

CONGREGANT 4:
It’s a sign that all the major religions are deluded into thinking they have made the world a more moral place and that we should not see anyone as “the other” for we are all connected by our common humanity, and yet to abandon our faith which so many have died for seems like a betrayal of our people. Also, we like hamantaschen even if they are sad, dry, and bland.

RABBI:
Now that’s the kind of deep dive analysis of minutiae that makes us who we are! Happy Purim to all. And remember  —  it’s a mitzvah to drink on Purim until you don’t know Haman from Mordechai. Someone get the schnapps!

EVERYONE:
Amen