Do you have student loans? Do you often feel overwhelmed by your student loans? Are your student loans preventing you from saving for retirement, a new car, or drugs? Do you avoid paying for travel, dining out, or child support because of your student loans? Have you, because of your student loans, ever sought off-brand medical care from a “doctor” whose “lab coat” is just a garbage bag covered in Wite-Out?
When people ask you what you majored in and you say “art history,” do your student loans immediately chime in with “more like fart history”? Have your student loans ever used the last of your dry coffee grounds to refill a hacky sack? When your student loans are asked which three people they would most like to have lunch with, do your student loans choose three Quentin Tarantinos? When you leave work after a tough day, do you find your student loans sitting on the hood of a Pontiac Le Mans, drinking a sixer of Mike’s Hard Lemonade and singing along to “Yellow Ledbetter”?
Do your student loans get jealous when you pay your electric bill? Have your student loans ever presented you with a collage they made from your rejected forbearance requests? Did your student loans tattoo BORROWER 4 EVA onto their abdomens using a dart and a ballpoint pen?
Do your student loans watch you while you pee?
Do you sometimes arrive home to find your student loans gorging themselves on chicken wings and laughing at multi-camera sitcoms with their good pals ARM loans and mortgage-backed securities?
What would you do to get rid of your student loans once and for all? Would you commit a crime? Would you steal? Maybe a cybercrime? Would you kill a man? What if the man was about to die anyway? What if a comet was heading directly for the man, and it was going to hit him in exactly one minute, and there was nothing he or you or your student loans could do to stop it? Would you be willing to take his life then? Would you take the last minute of this man’s life in exchange for the disappearance of your student loans forever? You would, wouldn’t you?
How about the fact that your liberal arts degree turned you into a cold-blooded murderer?
If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you may benefit from our award-winning seminar, “Free Yourself from Student Loan Debt!” It meets three times per week for several years, and it costs tens of thousands of dollars!
Financing is available!