Katie, the paralegal who swore she would never get involved with a married man, unless said married man offered to pay off her student loans.

Jasper, the Croatian personal trainer who stops by after his girlfriend’s husband heads back to work, bringing a bottle of homemade schnapps that tastes like caraway seeds and disillusionment.

Meredith, who accompanies her man, his wife, and their three children under five to Poughkeepsie for the holidays, under the guise of being the new nanny. Spends the whole dinner spooning pureed cranberries into the infant’s mouth, and fantasizing about someday becoming the next Mrs. Poughkeepsie.

Jane, the hygienist from his dental office who had “no close family nearby” and “needed a place to go for Thanksgiving.” Brings organic pumpkin pie made with tofu and shrouded in superiority.

Stef, married to her lover’s childhood best friend. Tried to make a meringue, but it wound up flat and tasteless (which is what her lover’s wife called her when they crossed paths at a work event).

Jared, working the late shift at McGuffin’s in the hopes that his lady stops by after dinner with her in-laws. She will pretend not to know him, but the lipstick mark on his ten-dollar tip says otherwise.

Craig, thrilled that they get to spend the holiday dining together at their favorite restaurant: the snack bar at the bowling alley 25 miles from anyone they know. Maybe he’ll splurge and order cheese fries tonight… it’s their 10-year anniversary, after all.

Rebecca, who has yet another “Friendsgiving” with her roommates. After dessert, she sneaks onto the fire escape and types a lengthy text, forcing him to finally choose between her and his fiancee, saying she’s wasting the best years of her life, and that she deserves more than he can give her. Eventually she deletes the text without sending it, then goes back inside and forces everyone to do shots of Jagermeister.

Neil, who admires his sister-in-law from the safety of the kitchen. Some day she’ll realize she’s settled down with the wrong twin, and all the pieces of his life will fall into place. Until then, he stirs the gravy and waits for the turkey timer to pop.