When someone in LA agrees to join you for an event, but they’re late, here are the most common replies you will get to your text message, and what those response actually mean…
“I just woke up.”
This event meant so little to me I didn’t bother to set an alarm.
“I don’t have anything to wear.”
I literally have a walk-in closet full of beautiful things to wear, but the opportunity cost of going through all the work of getting ready doesn’t seem worth it tbh.
“I’m waiting for my Uber.”
I have just stepped out of the shower and realized I should eventually call an Uber.
“I’m in my Uber.”
Or will be, right after this spontaneous underwear dance party of one I’m hosting.
“My Uber got a flat tire.”
My herbalist canceled my appointment so I had to self-medicate with ice cream and now nothing fits me.
“I’m on my way.”
I’m looking at the state of traffic on Waze to make sure you can’t reasonably expect me in the next 30 minutes.
I will text again in 20 minutes to tell you’ve I’ve given up and turned around to go home. Also have not yet left my house.
“My car got towed.”
By me, directly to a better event with free booze and food and people who will sleep with me.
“There’s an accident on the 405.”
I mean, prove to me that there wasn’t.
“I got called in to work.”
I had a sex dream about my boss and I’m scheduling an emergency appointment with my therapist to explore it.
“I have an audition.”
That person I’ve been crushing on for months finally texted me back and wants to meet for a drink.
“I have a callback.”
I think tonight’s the night we’re going to sleep together.
“I just found out my ex will be there.”
I haven’t found anyone more attractive to bring with me.
“I just found out my ex won’t be there.”
Therefore I don’t want to waste my new outfit on this event.
“My cousin came to town unexpectedly.”
My ex just called me and wants to hook up.
“I forgot I had concert tickets.”
Your ex just called me and wants to hook up.
Netflix just released a new original series.
“I have bronchitis.”
Literally feel myself falling into a 24-hour Netflix K-hole, sorry not sorry.
“I have to work early in the morning.”
I’m believe I’m too famous for this.
I’m legitimately too famous for this.