Face it: Trump and Bernie are two sides of the same coin. They’re both distrustful of elites and harangue them at every opportunity. Trump tweets dangerous character assassinations against a lifelong, dedicated diplomat, and Bernie says that we should regulate the financial services industry. Same. Damn. Thing.

Both Trump’s and Bernie’s supporters are incredibly passionate, but they don’t understand what they’re supporting. At rallies, Trump gets applause when he says that low water pressure means you have to flush a toilet several times before all the poop in the toilet flushes through the toilet hole and goes to poop heaven, and Bernie gets applause when he says that we should all have health care. Same. Damn. Thing.

I mean, Bernie isn’t even a real Democrat. Bernie caucuses with Democrats and campaigns for Democrats and raises money for Democrats, but sadly he votes for Democratic principles that Democrats themselves have abandoned, which is how you know he’s not a real Democrat. A real Democrat adopts the lies of a Republican administration that wants to invade a country it doesn’t understand.

Same with Trump, not a real Republican. If he were a real Republican, he would be much better at golf.

Besides, he says things out loud that Republicans are just supposed to imply through race-baiting.

Trump’s fundamental appeal is that he’s xenophobic against outsiders. It’s us vs. them. And Sanders? He’s xenophobic against the idea of xenophobia. He doesn’t like it, and he doesn’t want it here. If you hear an echo, that’s Bernie repeating Trump.

Look at the data, and you’ll see that what unites Trump voters is that they’re authoritarian (1, 2, 3). They want one remarkable person to go in there and “fix” everything while punishing dissent, heightening perceived threats, maximizing aggression, and subverting the Constitution.

Bernie’s supporters are equally authoritarian. Just look at his campaign slogan: “Not me. Us.”

Trump is relentless in his criticism of people who don’t like him because he is a dangerous charlatan. Bernie is relentless in his criticism of people who don’t like him because he wants them to contribute a larger share of their immense wealth to the community. It’s like, the candidates look different, but they have the same appeal.

Like all Republicans, Trump believes in individual responsibility for the poor and government subsidies for the wealthy, whether in the realm of banking or fossil fuels. Same exact thing with Bernie, which is more than a little ironic considering the fact that I just made it up.

Some people aren’t going to understand this, but Bernie is so completely the opposite of Trump that he’s actually the same as Trump. Sort of like how “outside” is the opposite of “inside,” but when you think about it, they’re all just places where I’ve been paid lots of money to talk out of my ass.

People say Bernie’s consistent, but he’s a hypocrite just like Trump. After Bernie made a bunch of money from his book, did he immediately take that money, put it on a pallet, and light it on fire in a field? No, friends, I’m afraid not. He used it to buy things and pay the appropriate amount of taxes and donate it to charity. Doesn’t sound very “socialist” to me.

All this comes down to electability.

Bernie does not understand what it takes to win. He is explicitly running as a New Deal Democrat, which is a huge mistake given that the original New Deal Democrat, FDR, was only elected a measly four times, once by an Electoral College margin of 523-8. Pathetic.

And the fact is, FDR is completely different than Bernie. One was someone in not ideal health, taking on authoritarianism, environmental collapse, and wealth inequality, and the other is the same as that except more recent. It’s a failing formula.

I live in New York now, but my neighbors where I used to live, in the middle part of the US, which we all called the “Heartwheat Section,” and believe me, I know a lot about it and its people, are all scared that Bernie is a revolutionary. Sadly, they’re right. Because, like all revolutionaries before him, Bernie believes in nonviolent, widespread civic participation through existing democratic structures to change laws via a 240-year-old legislative process. I mean, that’s just insane. Like, Trump-level insane.

People in the Heartwheat Section don’t want someone from outside the establishment. In fact, most of them want Ben Bernanke to run.

It’ll be hard for Bernie to win because the economy is doing well, especially for people who get paid to unquestioningly say things like, “The economy is doing well.” And you know what voters like? A healthy stock market, real wages that peaked in 1974, and the skyrocketing cost of housing, education, and health care.

If Bernie is the nominee, his supporters will knock on doors, make phone calls, and donate. But if someone else is the nominee, will his supporters still knock on doors, make phone calls, donate, and clone themselves so that they can do more of those things more often? Honestly, I’m not sure — and that’s what scares me.

The “electable” Democratic centrist candidate always wins. Even casually looking at a small number of cherry-picked examples will prove my point. When discussing electability, the most important thing we should say are the words “McGovern” and “1972” and then have a bizarre panic attack.

If the election ends up being between Trump and Bernie, we should all be very afraid. And not just because Trump may well contest the validity of the results if he loses, leading to widespread civil violence, but also because Bernie sometimes shouts and I don’t like that.

I’ve been wrong about the most important policy and electoral debates in the current century, which is how you know you can trust me on this.