Welcome, Class of 2021! On behalf of our trustees, faculty, and recruitment partners, we are honored to welcome you, our most selective class ever. This year we selected exclusively for students who could fog up a mirror and take out a loan. We are excited to welcome you to your university!

As you sit here in our impressive new year-round, multi-sport mega-complex, look to your left; look to your right. Four years from now, each and every one of you will be sitting right here, proving to our faculty once and for all that the climbing wall and the infinity pool were good investments.

Look to your left; look to your right. Four years from now, every single one of you will be right here despite the fact that the vast majority of you will spend more time on Snapchat than on course reading. Fortunately, thanks to our new Fail Better™ program you will be able to make up any grades you are unhappy with through the Extra Credit Plus program, which accepts all major credit cards, Saudi Riyal, and Bitcoin.

Look to your left. Four years from now, the guy on your left will be right here even though we had to do daily wellness checks to monitor for alcohol poisoning. Look to your right. Four years from now that girl will be here because our faculty reward effort and participation.

Look to your left; look to your right. Four years from now, all of you will be here in your caps and gowns (except for Angela, but only because she spent spring term financial aid on that trip to Puerto Vallarta, which, she wants you to know for the record, was a total rip off because the drinks were not actually included in the all-inclusive package).

Over the next four years, each of you will each have the opportunity to work with top-notch faculty who bring not only academic knowledge but also valuable real-world skills like Uber driving and grocery bagging. And while we can’t guarantee that your professors will be here in four years, we are committed to making sure that you are by offering unparalleled access to stress management coaches and academic adjustment advisors. During finals week we even offer research-validated puppy therapy!

So look to your left; look to your right. Know that we are totally committed to your success, and you will be back here in four years even if I have to personally drag you out of bed. Now that the state has unfriended us, we owe our excellence to you. Really. We couldn’t do it without you. So welcome!