THE TYPES OF INFORMATION WE COLLECT
When you interact with our entity, we receive and store information generated by your activity, like phone usage, location, and your actual feelings about our grandparents.
Information may be collected about eating habits, hygiene, and what that little strip that you wear on your nose while you’re sleeping is supposed to do.
HOW WE COLLECT YOUR INFORMATION
We do not observe any international or US standards for privacy protection. Our methods of data collection may include digital, aural, and physical reconnaissance.
We may snoop, heretofore referred to as extract data, up to and including:
- overhearing conversations
- data-mining browser history
- asking for nuanced explanations of adult interactions that you didn’t know we overheard
- digging through bedside table drawers
- entering any and all bathrooms, occupied or unoccupied
- obtaining receipts in order to understand your consumer purchasing habits, especially in regards to white cheese popcorn that you said you don’t buy anymore but actually hid on a higher shelf
USE OF YOUR INFORMATION BY OTHER ENTITIES
Please keep in mind that our ability to keep secrets is limited. We are not responsible for the privacy practices of third-party recipients of rumors, explanations of what that word means, or hard truths about supposedly jolly holiday mascots.
Changes to this policy will occur without notice.
We will pretend not to notice anything, or offer any additional information we have on a topic or person, for one (1) cookie.
COMMENTS AND QUESTIONS
We have a lot of them. If you have concerns you wish to share with us, please contact your local party supply store and order a helium balloon imprinted with the concern. If we are under the age of literacy, you may also make up a clapping and singing game that teaches a lesson.
Also, we have broken your shoes. The black ones with the heel and strap.
But listen, did you know what Emma’s mom has hidden in her closet, and also could you explain to me what it is?