Queequeg: A cozy weekend at a BnB, followed by a cruise. Makes everyone else look bad.

Romeo Montague: Gas station roses and a teddy bear.

Willy Loman: Coupons for the wife, silk stockings for the mistress.

Jay Gatsby: A blank check? Driving gloves? What do you want the present to be???

Edward Rochester: It’s a surprise, my dove! Come up to the attic and see…

Dorian Gray: An increasingly concerning dick pic.

Colonel Aureliano Buendia: A bastard son with his own name.

Humbert Humbert: Bubblegum Lip Smackers.

Fitzwilliam Darcy: A vacuum, which he promptly and secretly exchanges for a library of signed first editions of every book you never told him you loved.

Jonathan Harker: Several high-necked blouses and a very thick scarf.

Orpheus: A blindfolded apology.

Maxim de Winter: A terrible secret that will bind you to him forever. (Someday, he’ll get you that new housekeeper you wanted.)

Zeus: Sunblock for Semele. A bale of hay for Io. A totally planned white cow for Hera.

“Mister” Albert : A wild “how we met” story for you and your new wife.

Any Murakami Protagonist: Would have given you a jazz record, but you’re not around?

Christian Grey: A Peloton bike.

Charles Bovary: More piano lessons! She sure loves to play the piano.

Arthur Dimmesdale: A modest frock. (NO monograms.)

Count Vronsky: A metro card.

Frodo Baggins: Literally anything but jewelry.

Oedipus: A 23andMe kit.

Macbeth: Whatever Lady Macbeth told him to buy her.

Satan: An Edible Arrangement.