Queequeg: A cozy weekend at a BnB, followed by a cruise. Makes everyone else look bad.
Romeo Montague: Gas station roses and a teddy bear.
Willy Loman: Coupons for the wife, silk stockings for the mistress.
Jay Gatsby: A blank check? Driving gloves? What do you want the present to be???
Edward Rochester: It’s a surprise, my dove! Come up to the attic and see…
Dorian Gray: An increasingly concerning dick pic.
Colonel Aureliano Buendia: A bastard son with his own name.
Humbert Humbert: Bubblegum Lip Smackers.
Fitzwilliam Darcy: A vacuum, which he promptly and secretly exchanges for a library of signed first editions of every book you never told him you loved.
Jonathan Harker: Several high-necked blouses and a very thick scarf.
Orpheus: A blindfolded apology.
Maxim de Winter: A terrible secret that will bind you to him forever. (Someday, he’ll get you that new housekeeper you wanted.)
Zeus: Sunblock for Semele. A bale of hay for Io. A totally planned white cow for Hera.
“Mister” Albert : A wild “how we met” story for you and your new wife.
Any Murakami Protagonist: Would have given you a jazz record, but you’re not around?
Christian Grey: A Peloton bike.
Charles Bovary: More piano lessons! She sure loves to play the piano.
Arthur Dimmesdale: A modest frock. (NO monograms.)
Count Vronsky: A metro card.
Frodo Baggins: Literally anything but jewelry.
Oedipus: A 23andMe kit.
Macbeth: Whatever Lady Macbeth told him to buy her.
Satan: An Edible Arrangement.