Real talk: maintaining a long-term relationship with the ghost of Warren G. Harding = #HARD. And while the girlfriends are supes jelly of your effing hot President ghost boyfriend, they don’t know the daily bae grind. Ghosts are mournful creatures (yummy!) tortured by deep regrets from a long-erased past. But have faith because Warren G. Harding ghost sex is a total game-changer.
So, without further a-boo, here are 16 expert-approved ways to keep things spicy AF when ghost bae is deep in the feels. Or when ghost bae simply wants to dematerialize into a sloppy puddle of plasm and goo on the floor (anyone one else turned on!?):
1. Laugh at his jokes.
“The more you laugh at a ghost’s jokes, the more he feels he belongs to the modern age,” says Griselda Thrush, Ph.D. parapsychology, and host of ghost relationship podcast, Dead at Love. Warren loves jokes about gyroscope tops, knickers, and gramophones. Sure, you won’t vibe on those lolz, but ghost bae doesn’t need to know that. Secrets, secrets can be fun!
2. Cook a sexy dinner… even if he can’t eat it.
Make sure dinner is rated R by playing aggressive, trumpet-heavy, 1920s circus music. Warren is guaranteed to get all hot and bothered. As an added bonus, Warren won’t be able to hear his linguine alle vongole pass through his sexy ghost bod and plop on the floor. Say it with me now: Awww.
3. Remember Warren G. Harding was the 29th President. Not the “20-somethingth President.”
Or “Sometime around the Great Depression. Maybe?” Or “Warren G. Harding? President? STFU.” Warren G. Harding was the 29th President of the United States. Which leaves only one question on my throbbing mind: is 29 the new 69? Claw off Warren’s ectoplasmic goo shell and say, Happy Ghostday, Mr. President.
4. Never imply that Warren’s 1920 presidential win over Democrat James Cox was aided by a Cox split vote with socialist candidate Eugene Debs.
I know, I know: I wasn’t born yesterday dot obvi dot com. But play things safe, girlfriend. Refer to Cox as a “no-good, union-loving glad-hander” and Debs as a “jingle-brained socialist rag-a-muffin.” Neg Warren’s political opponents and watch your weekday nights go from supes boring to supes sexy, supes quickly (are things getting hot in here or what!?).
5. Share your flaws and imperfections.
Griselda Thrush reminds, “Ghosts have humanity’s greatest flaw…being dead.” Make sure ghost bae knows you have flaws too! Okay, maybe don’t tell him about that time you ate so many pancakes at IHOP that you threw up on your Chevy Volt, but totally show him that birthmark under your left armpit. Watch as Warren opens up, screaming in a piercing ghost-howl about how he died of a heart attack just two years into his first term. Vulnerability is spooky hot.
6. The Teapot Dome Scandal was a politically motivated lie fabricated by swindling Democratic nudniks.
Dude: duh. But obvi as this is, Warren loves to be reminded that he couldn’t clap back (bae wuz ded) when the scandal broke. Whisper in Warren’s ear how government leases are tricky AF and how Secretary of Interior Albert Fall acted without #presidential #approval. Then go full lizard: lick Warren’s earhole. Watch bae’s heart melt like a gooey stick of buttah… and get ready to crawl into that haunted coffin you use for sex.
7. Be cool about the Nan Britton affair.
Yes, Nan was 31 years Warren’s junior. Yes, Warren met her when he was a powerful 50-year-old newspaper man. But it’s time to tap into that chill girl energy. It wasn’t 2020. Different times, girlfriend! And — hold up. I’m getting a call from the Obvi Police. What’s that, Obvi Police? Queen Righteous is more than a hundred years younger than Warren’s ghost? Nobody likes a hypocrite, even if she’s a Queen!
8. Ignore his casual racism.
9. Ignore how he thinks poor people are lazy.
Where are those earmuffs!? Lol x 2 = Lolz!
10. Ignore how he refers to the woman’s vote as a “novel curio which strains one’s intellect to precipitous dimensions.”
EARMUFFS! LOLZ LOLZ LOLZ!
11. Spend quality time together.
This is what we call the no-brainer of the list. Thrush says, “The loneliness of a ghost exceeds that of a human by a factor of 20.” Funny. Nan Britton was 20 when 51-year-old Warren seduced her—
12. You really wanna chat more about Nan Britton?
Fine. Here’s the deal: Warren had a lot of affairs. Big. Frickin. Deal. The fact is, women like powerful men. And YEAH, I KNOW: Nan had an illegitimate child who Warren refused to vibe on, acknowledge, or see IRL. He was an insanely powerful man in his 50s who had a low-key pseudo-legit child with a woman just flexing on her 20s. Blah, blah, blah. This wasn’t the 21st century! Different times! I’ll say it again: Chill Girl Energy!
13. Lift his spirit with a sexy surprise.
Actually — you know what, GIRLFRIEND —
14. A FINAL NOTE ON NAN BRITTON.
Griselda Thrush says, “It’s important to remember ghosts lived in a time without therapy or self-understanding. Therefore, most ghosts are former assholes. This Nan Britton thing is totally fine and normal.” STRAIGHT FROM THE MOUTH OF A PH.D, YOU WOKE BITCH.
15. Warren’s middle name is Gamaliel — even so, he’s not a wizard!
Sorry, fantasy nerds! You’ll have to settle for a boring old ghost! Lol. But that doesn’t mean you can’t geek out on Gamaliel’s wand. Climb into your haunted sex coffin, grab that handle, and say the magic word: Abra-ca-yummy.
16. In love letters to his mistresses, Harding referred to his penis as “Jerry.”
Google it. This is a historical fact. AND THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. #sexy #ghostbae #seinfeld