Lotion is now a verb. Therefore pre-lotion, re-lotion, lotioned, and lotioning are available for use in conversation and Scrabble. You can now refer to The Lotion Hour as the part of your day spent lotioning.
Remembered is no longer a word you can utter on its own. You will hereafter precede remembered with “I finally.”
There is no need to qualify the word time with the word nap or bed. It’s simply time and your family will get used to you falling asleep basically whenever.
There is no need to qualify the word pants with comfy, soft, sweat, or stretch. It is now just pants.
Don’t use precious night-driving energy to say a simple dinner, maybe some toast. Just say dinner, everyone knows it’s toast, and everyone knows it will be served on a paper towel.
Whisker is now a constant state. Your chin and/or upper lip is in a state of pre-whisker, too-short-for-tweezers-whisker, or full-whisker. Your chin and/or upper lip can be in no other state. You can now refer to The Whisker Hour as the part of your day spent with your face smashed to the mirror when the light is just right de-whiskering.
Night now refers to the hours between 4:30 p.m. and 7:00 p.m. Middle of the Night refers to the hours between 7:01 p.m. and coffee.
Verbal requests of today’s youth to decode fuzzy letters/symbols should be replaced by the following sequence of gestures:
- In an upward arcing motion bring the letters toward your face, then away three times.
- Add a slight head tilt with one eye closed on the third rep.
- On your next exhale, which should border on a sigh, thrust the garble into the hands of the closest youth.
That’s it. Do not use your brain to actually form words, you need it for remembering.