“Fox’s Jesse Watters and guest say Minnie Mouse wearing a pantsuit instead of a skirt is an attempt to ‘destroy fabrics of our society.’” — Media Matters, 1/27/22

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I know, I know. You think I’m just “another conservative white male who wants to stand in the way of progress.” But that is absolutely not the case here. I mean, yes, I am a conservative white male, and I obviously hate any form of progress that does not benefit me personally, but that isn’t my motivation for this particular outrage.

Changing something as iconic as Minnie Mouse’s dress, creates a whole new set of problems. Sure, it’ll help advance the concept that women don’t need to be defined by outdated stereotypes of what is “appropriate” to wear. But there are issues in society much larger than so-called “stereotypical” symbols, and as long as those symbols remain, they only help reinforce the concept that change isn’t needed.

But those aren’t my only issues with it.

No, for me and throngs of other white, conservative men all across the nation, changing Minnie Mouse’s outfit means only one thing: We have wasted THOUSANDS of dollars and countless hours buying and making our own Hot Minnie Mouse outfits.

What, are those just obsolete now? How will my wife and I roleplay as horny Minnie Mouses (“Minnie Mice”? The community is divided over the terminology), knowing that our costumes are now canonically inaccurate?

Yes, obviously, I’m obligated to condemn anything sexually positive when I’m in public. It’s important that what I enjoy in private is not allowed to be enjoyed by anyone else. That’s kind of the entire point of a corrupt power dynamic. But I’ve got over two-dozen god damn HOT Minnie Mouse costumes in my closet right now that are essentially USELESS.

Who knows what they’ll come for next! Donald Duck? Porky Pig? As of this year, Winnie the Pooh is public domain, so the number of perverted situations I can legally put him in is INSANE. I won’t let them take that away from me.

Not to mention, I am terrible with buttons. They’re tiny and my fingers are sore from punching walls whenever I learn something is now different than the way it was in 1954. One of the biggest benefits of having a cartoon character kink is the extreme lack of pants. And even if they do have pants, the buttons on them are like Mickey’s and comically large. With this ridiculous “PC culture gone mad,” we could be seeing fully dressed mice in pants with buttons of regular size in as little as a year. It makes me sick.

I’d be drowning my sorrows by binge-eating chocolate, but I can’t even enjoy that since they made the Green M&M less sexy. And she was by far the hottest M&M. Like I’m pretty sure the red one would be down for more stuff, but the green one would be better at it, you know?

The message here is really quite simple: we need to protect the sanctity of our hottest cartoon characters.

I’m okay with progress, just as long as that progress doesn’t make me any less horny. And I know that feels like it should cover a lot of ground, but it’s important to remember that I consider helping any disenfranchised groups of people to be an absolute boner killer.