Our passengers gasped at the completely redesigned, aggressively sculpted midsize SUV as they were blindfolded and forced into the luxurious leather interior.

Their pleas for help, which could easily be answered by the built-in OnStar emergency vehicle assistance concierge, were instead drowned out by the 9-speaker Bose UltraBass™ sound system featuring SiriusXM Satellite Radio. We then engaged the child safety locks – one of more than 30 standard features that made Equinox a 2016 IIHS Top Safety Pick – and warned that anyone who tried to be a hero would gravely regret it.

After being told to shut up or they’d never see their families again, who would all fit comfortably with optional third row stow-and-go seating, the passengers’ screams turned into terrified whimpers just in time to hear the roar of the 4.5L engine merge effortlessly onto the highway toward an uncertain fate.

The powerful, yet fuel-efficient engine also caught the attention of a state highway patrol officer, who flashed his lights behind us. But as the real people soon discovered, pulling over is one thing that doesn’t come standard on the 2017 Chevy Equinox. Demonstrating the impressive handling of the variable-effort power steering, we crossed the median into oncoming traffic, avoiding accidents with the assistance of Forward Collision Alert Technology and hubris. The police cruiser proved to be no match for the American-made, 300-horsepower V6 driving twice the speed limit in the wrong direction, and soon the sirens disappeared from the Rear Vision Camera. We exited unseen onto a quiet country road, a nearly impossible feat with the eye-catching Midnight Blue paint package.

The ride was enjoyably silent after that, thanks in no small part to the whisper quiet interior with NoiseErase™ technology. As paved roads gave way to dirt, we followed the in-dash navigation system deep into the woods to the kind of place where no one can hear you scream, let alone the loudest-in-class anti-theft deterrent system. The expertly tuned off-road suspension provided a smooth ride for reciting last-minute prayers to God.

We approached a clearing. The stars looked magnificent through the optional power moonroof and for a moment, our minds wandered. What else could be out there? Are we alone in the universe? Is this really the best way to sell a Chevy? The jolt from the NeverLock™ parking brake snapped us back to reality. Silently, we got out and gathered the shovels from the best-in-class storage space. By the light of the powerful LED high-intensity discharge projector-beam headlamps, the real people started to dig.

The police arrived the following morning. Waiting for them were six fresh graves – one for every cylinder under the hood of the 2017 Equinox – and a note, neatly folded on the dash of the completely wiped clean best-in-class midsize SUV. It read:

You will call us monsters. But who are the real monsters – a company that passionately believes in delivering innovation and technology like those featured in the 2017 Chevy Equinox, or a society that refuses to appreciate the highest ranked midsize SUV in initial quality by JD Power and Associates? You may not understand our methods, but you will heed our message: The all-new, completely redesigned 2017 Chevy Equinox is absolutely worth dying for.