With the election remaining too close to call as votes continue to be tallied in key battleground states, it’s important to remember one thing: those votes don’t count. In fact, what we’ve seen throughout this race is an attempt by American citizens to steal this election away from Donald Trump by casting votes for Joe Biden, and even worse, expecting those votes to be counted.

These sick individuals (some literally so, on account of the pandemic that Trump has let run rampant) took the time out of their day to stuff ballot boxes with votes for Biden, and nobody is looking into it. Some even went so far as to request mail-in ballots and buy stamps, all to rig this election against Trump. It’s an absolute scam, and these people shouldn’t even be allowed to vote in the first place because they’re biased against the president.

It’s just like the fake news media. They’re so unbelievably biased against Donald Trump, they go on air and tell the American people everything he says and does. It’s an absolute disgrace. The stories that they air on Donald Trump as opposed to Joe Biden are so unbelievably negative because they insist upon accusing him of these terrible things that he has done. That’s probably what convinced these twisted people to go out and try to steal this election. They were brainwashed after hearing all about the awful stuff that Trump did. We can’t let these informed, anti-Trump voters steal this election by trying to make their voices heard.

These dangerous anarchists are out of control, waiting patiently in five-hour lines, egged-on by sick extremists like Paul Rudd handing out cookies, to overthrow the government. We’re talking about groups like Antifa, which fights against good ol’ American values like fascism, and an evil terrorist organization that goes by the name Little Monsters and is led by Lady Gaga, an anti-fracking illegal alien from the planet of Chromatica. These reckless criminals conceal their identities by wearing masks, and they brand themselves with a common I VOTED sticker to recognize their fellow gang members.

And now, as if invading polling places wasn’t enough, they’re demanding that their early votes and mail-in ballots be counted too. Have they lost their minds? Donald Trump is ahead in some of these states, and they’re trying to fraudulently steal his sort of lead away from him by counting ALL the votes. Who has that kind of time? People have things to do; they can’t just sit around and spend their day counting like they’re the vampire muppet on Sesame Street.

Some people might ask why things are so close when we’ve been talking so much about our silent majority and the red wave. Well, in some areas, it turns out that the silent majority may have been so silent that they didn’t even cast votes. But even though things are close, Trump’s base was proven to be alive and well at dozens of his packed rallies over the past few weeks. Well, until they went to the rallies, of course, which ended up directly resulting in 700 coronavirus deaths. So those 700 aren’t alive and well, but still.

And even with these obstacles, we’re confident that we’ll come out victorious the best way we know how: disenfranchising voters. The Supreme Court should’ve done it days ago when we asked them to throw away people’s votes, but they refused because they’re morons.

The fact of the matter is that if these Biden votes weren’t counted, Trump would be winning in an absolute landslide. And for that reason, these Biden votes shouldn’t be counted. Election Day is over, so it just doesn’t make sense to keep counting votes, even if those votes were cast weeks ago.

The good news is that Trump has a stellar team of lawyers, graduates of the Roy Cohn School of Law, who will be hard at work to fight this and protect America from the looming threat of democracy.