“One thing above all else will restore order to our streets: an overwhelming show of force to disperse, detain and ultimately deter lawbreakers.”
Sen. Tom Cotton, New York Times op-dd, 6/3/20

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Fellow Americans, as an elected official, and a representative from our highest legislative body, duty-bound to protect your interests, domestically and abroad, the lawless chaos that has erupted onto our streets brings me great distress. However, as this great country has so many times before, we stand ready to take on any challenge, and any enemy, with any and all of the tools available at our disposal. That is why I’m calling on the deployment of the full might of the most powerful fighting force the world has ever seen to combat the greatest threat perhaps our nation has ever had to reckon with.

It is long past time we as Americans declare war on America.

At first glance, this may seem like an unorthodox solution. America’s armed forces are sworn to carry out the Constitution, which binds them to protect Americans, especially during instances of peaceful assembly and protest. But the Constitution did not anticipate me and my colleagues’ unholy desire to violently uphold a corrupt power structure at any cost to America itself. So we’re kind of putting our own spin on things. Playing a little jazz here. Long story short, Americans are the enemy now. Let’s invade Los Angeles or something. I don’t make the rules. I just vote on them, and then vote to enforce them.

As I have long argued on the floors of Congress, and in courts across America, Americans are only worth protecting if what we’re protecting them from allows us to personally enrich ourselves or strengthens our power over people we openly despise. Using the military just seems like the easiest way to do it this time around. Frankly, I don’t know why we haven’t used the army to crush the opposition within America before. Hell, we’ve invaded and occupied entire regions of the Earth for decades based on rumors and speculation. Are we really going to get bent out of shape because we gassed a few hipsters outside the White House lawn?

Do I believe this sets a dangerous precedent? Maybe? Who cares! Everyone loves our soldiers. Is it really going to bother you if you see them every day, threatening your friends, family members, and neighbors in the streets of your cities with weapons of war? Do you even really love the troops? Sounds a bit un-American to me.

There are logistical issues, sure. Which Americans will we use the military against? Come on. You know which ones. The “Americans.” You’re hearing me, right? They can’t, as they’re currently all being transported to jail in armored personnel carriers.

And the best part is that we’ve already slowly prepared Americans for the deployment of our military. Have you seen a cop lately? What’s the difference, anyway?

I plead you to join me in my call. I look forward to the day we can proudly declare our mission accomplished, when we have finally wrested control of America from the craven, dangerous hands of Americans. When that moment arrives, I will happily toast to their defeat.

Until then, what will you do?