We realize there are a lot of educational toys out there, particularly those that teach STEM skills (science, technology, engineering, and math). In today’s crowded marketplace, it can be tough to know what will keep your children entertained and on track to become the next engineer, chemist, coder, or tech CEO.

But what if they want to grow up to be a writer, artist, lawyer, therapist, or—dear god—a teacher? Not on our watch. Our new line of toys will keep your little Musks from falling into the hands of Big History and Social Work.

  • Our Drone Engineering line provides hands-on learning projects for STEM-curious kids. They can capture the joy of flight with the included 4K action camera or calculate the time it takes for an extrajudicial drone strike to reach Yemen.
  • The Changing World Activity Set gets kids outdoors and involved with nature. Collect samples and measure a variety of contaminants in local water sources. Watching those numbers go up on a chart is a great family science activity. Are higher numbers bad? That’s not important right now. Just focus on making the cool charts, okay?
  • Math-minded children will enjoy sifting through our Actuarial Tables Learning Kit. They will learn algebra and precalculus until, without warning, they speak with a deeply resonant voice wholly unlike their own and pronounce the date and manner of your future death. We honestly don’t know how this happens, but as long as it keeps them from writing poetry or reading books for pleasure, it can’t be that bad, right?
  • Finally, we’re proud to introduce our first-ever line of STEAM (science, technology, engineering, arts [gag], and math) activities. Your child can now express themselves creatively without burdensome context or critical thinking that could impact future earning potential. Using our Paintbrush app (iOS/Android, subscription required), kids can capture the vivid colors of a stock exchange board and imitate the styles of the most lucrative NFTs

We know you want the best for your children. Can you imagine the daily horrors of life as an ethicist or a librarian? That’s why we promise that our new line of toys will never, ever teach them the humanities. Look for our limited-edition STEM board games this fall, including Insulin Monopoly, presented by Eli Lilly.