“Earth just broke records for its hottest day” — Vox (7/26/2023)

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We can’t believe we’re saying this, but for the first time since Satan’s fall from Heaven, Earth is hotter than Hell.

To celebrate, we are opening our gates and allowing anyone from Earth to visit—not just the eternally damned. Contrary to popular belief, it’s not all fire and brimstone, and unlike what’s happening on Earth, our weather is highly predictable. You can read about it in Dante’s travel blog. Our third and ninth circles are actually quite refreshing.

For example, in Circle Three, we force people to lie in a slushy mix of shadows and putrid water, subjecting them to never-ending icy rain. Sure, it’s a pretty miserable experience, but compared to what’s currently happening in Arizona, you might find it invigorating.

We also have family-friendly activities, like ice skating on Cocytus our immense frozen lake made from people’s tears. Along with the ice rink that Trump owns in Central Park, it’s one of only two places in existence where you can skate on water sourced from humanity’s sins. Use the code INDICTMENT for a free skate rental.

We’ve been hearing from the recently damned that they find Hell more favorable to their previous home on Earth—like even our hot parts are better. One noted that our eternal flames are like a “cozy fireplace” compared to unrelenting heat in Greece. Another said that the stink emanating from our sixth circle smells like “homemade cookies” compared to the mix of haze and smog wafting over New York City.

It pains us a little to say it, but when you come to Hell, you might even think you’re in Heaven. Use the code STEAMINGRATCARCASS for 20 percent off your upcoming visit.

While we understand that some may have reservations about visiting the Underworld, we assure you that you don’t have to sell your soul for this trip. The fine people at McKinsey & Company recommended a word-of-mouth marketing campaign, so we’ll let you return to Earth to tell others how great it is here.

So, what are you waiting for? Why keep sweating under an unforgiving sun when you can take a plunge in the Lake of Fire here in Hades? Use the code CLIMATEDENIER, and we’ll throw in a free T-shirt with our new slogan: HELL: NOT QUITE FREEZING OVER, BUT WAY MORE COMFORTABLE THAN FLORIDA.

See you in Hell,
Steve, VP of Tourism