Dear Mr. Man-person,
Thank you for your submission to the Journal of My Life. Your unsolicited advice was intriguing and we read it with some interest. We regret to inform you, however, that after careful internal editorial review, we are unable to accept your piece, “Guidance for Young Ladies at the Gym,” for publication at this time.
Often our decision does not reflect on the talents of the advice-giver, but rather the high volume of unsolicited advice we receive. Just last week, 452 pieces of unsolicited advice were submitted, 326 gym-related, of which we could accept only one (from the swole woman who offered to spot us at the bench press).
Our decision to reject your unsolicited advice was not such a case. Indeed, your advice was exceptionally bad. We found your suggestion that we “stick to the treadmill and elliptical” as not to “get too bulky for a fine woman like yourself” rather odd. It was also quite disturbing when you placed your hand on the small of our back, uninvited, and, in a humid whisper, rasped, “Don’t squat below parallel, honeybun.”
Under other circumstances, we might encourage you to revise your advice and resubmit your manuscript, perhaps to another journal. However, we would never wish the exhaustion that you have caused us on another editorial board. We kindly ask that you keep your unsolicited advice to yourself in the future. Perhaps you could start a password-protected blog: Catcalling is my Cardio, by Mr. Man-Person. There you could you spew your unsolicited advice without landing yourself a restraining order. You also might consider placing a piece of Scotch™ tape over your lips next time you feel the urge to tell that woman that deadlifting will hurt her delicate frame.
Moving forward, our journal has decided we will only be accepting advice from female advice-givers. You can rest assured, however, that we really do know how to operate the leg press.