It is with deep regret that we must inform you that the order you placed at 6:46 pm at Buffalo Wild Wings has been processed, prepared, and is now on its way to your desired address.
At this time, there is no recourse or appeal process at your disposal to change this result. The damage is done. And as a trusted friend, companion, and the third-party delivery app of your choice, it pains us to have to deliver this news.
We realize your inevitably subpar experience will ultimately be associated with our service, but we’re not going to go down without a fight. We can’t fix what is broken, but we still feel a certain obligation to inform you of what you can expect to happen now.
In your almost assuredly sedentary state, we can understand that there may be a certain catharsis involved when it comes to ordering food from a restaurant most commonly associated with loud MMA fights and sticky Golden Tee machines. But we can assure you that whatever majesty you may personally experience from the atmosphere Buffalo Wild Wings presents does not transfer over to the culinary experience you’re about to have.
It didn’t have to be this way. Despite filtering establishments serving wings by distance, and having no fewer than thirteen other seemingly superior options, you went with Buffalo Wild Wings. Not only was it the furthest away from your residence, but this location was also the lowest-rated by nearly a full half star. Even without the extended distance, it’s abundantly clear the delivery process is not kind to a product that must be extremely crispy and/or hot in some capacity for one to glean any kind of enjoyment from it.
And so we just have to ask again, why?
There was no special deal available at this location. No new menu items of note. And, in general, there was nothing proprietary about your order that a closer, more highly rated establishment couldn’t have fulfilled. Your wings were not tossed in the mango habanero sauce many frequently choose. Nor the Caribbean jerk or even lemon pepper rub for that matter. You, out of the dozens of sauces available, chose “mild.” Only mild. For all 50 wings. Of course, we’re grateful for your support of restaurants during this difficult time, but given the multitude of worthy options at your disposal, what the fuck?
We would never say we were disappointed in a valued customer’s decision-making. That is not what we’re doing here. Frankly, we’re just concerned. You’re better than this. Last week you tried the Poke Palace—what happened to that Gary? We want to know.
It isn’t always going to be like this. This unusual moment in history will eventually pass, and one day just be a distant memory we all share. What we’ll be left with is our reflections on what we did during this time when Earth seemingly stood still. Our grandchildren will one day ask us what it was like to live through this period in history—what we were like. We hope you’re able to eventually come to terms with the fact that, now and forever moving forward, this will be part of your story.
Enjoy your meal.