Dear Local Hospitality Business Owners,

Last night, while the rest of the state’s executive branch and I were dining in the finest Michelin-starred restaurant in our capital city, we made the difficult decision to impose an indoor dining ban through the end of the year.

The virus is somehow spiraling out of control even after we almost mandated face masks and this is the logical next step to take. Don’t think of this as losing out on one of the most lucrative times of the year. Instead, remember that the true meaning of the holidays is giving. That is why we are giving you a reminder that we view the hospitality industry as vital, and our commitment to supporting the bars and restaurants in our great state is only second only to our dedication to not giving them any money. In fact, for the majority of the last six months we were willing to risk the lives of our own constituents because the idea of giving you money is so appalling to us.

You may feel like we haven’t done anything to help your business’ survival, but who could have seen this second wave coming, other than every scientist? We’ve done everything we can think of, given the unforeseeable circumstances. We even hoped really hard that the only time patrons could catch the virus was walking to the restroom when they had to put their masks on. But alas, the virus works in mysterious ways.

The fact is, the act of your business making money harms people, but not in the good way like the fossil fuel industry. Have you seen their ads on TV? They’re helping people and the environment. Also, they always pick up the tab.

Perhaps someday when there is a national call to defund areas that receive an excessive amount of your taxpayer dollars and reallocate it into more poorly funded areas as a way to benefit the greater good, we will be able to scrape up some cash and help you guys out. But until then, have you considered all of the options? We’re not sure you have. Have you thought about getting a roommate? Maybe ask the gym next door if you can move in. They seem pretty cool and they’ll probably be looking for a roommate soon too.

Maybe now is the time to cash-in on the investments you made in personal protective equipment manufacturers in late February. If we didn’t do that, there’s almost no way we could have put a down payment on our beach house, which has been a real blessing during this trying year.

What if you only served kids? It seems like they don’t get the virus as badly. It could be a great way to engage with the youth since they are going to be super messed up. You may have to create a barter system based around play money though. You could even take it a step further and hire the children. It’s a tried and true way to maintain a profitable business in today’s world.

Paying bills seems to be an issue for you, have you tried a budgeting app? Maybe only turn the refrigerator on half the time to cut down on the electricity bill? If you also turn the lights off, it creates a really great cost-effective mood.

Maybe you can pivot to haircutting? Is cutting hair really any different from cutting vegetables? That’s a serious question, we don’t even remember what that was like after having a personal chef for a decade.

Perhaps you can set up a tip jar? Like a big one? Maybe put up a little sign that says, HUNDRED DOLLAR BILLS ONLY. Granted, you might have some issues because no one carries cash anymore since early on we thought COVID was spread by touching things and we never really got around to updating the messaging. However, going through the elaborate and costly show of wiping down every surface someone might even think of touching before seating them was all worth it if you view it as a form of meditation. Self-care is so important right now. There’s no way we could have got through these last few months without regular visits to our favorite yoga instructor’s class. It’s really brought needed balance to our stressful lives.

If all that fails, maybe you expand your business into a national chain? You will have a much greater chance of getting PPP money next time.

We’re all in this together,
Your Governor