Congratulations on your arrival at Anxiety Dream High School, home of the Crippling Self-Doubts. As it turns out, you never actually graduated high school, went to college, or had any success at all. So on behalf of the faculty, staff, and everyone you’ve ever disappointed, I’d like to welcome you back, once again.

Though certain locations will be familiar, our shadowy and ever-shifting campus can be a real challenge to navigate. Before we send you into a maze of your own angst, we’d like to help orient you with this quick overview. After all, here at ADHS, we’re committed to helping every student achieve their quasi-nightmares.

First, some basic pointers:

Attendance: Though school is in session only occasionally, attendance is mandatory for the rest of your life. “Learning is a lifelong process,” as we say here. “Because there is always more to learn about what an enormous letdown you are.”

Bullying: At ADHS, we take bullying very seriously. Our policy is clear: Physical and emotional torment is encouraged at all times and will be directed exclusively at you.

Visitors: Parents and other judgmental relatives may visit students at any time during the school night, but ideally when it would be most stressful and weird. Our open-door policy also extends to frenemies, acquaintance-emies, that person at that party six years ago who literally just said “You’re boring” and stopped talking to you, and unimpressed dogs.

Parking: Seniors get the best parking spots, even here. Sorry, that’s just how it is.

Next, a look at our curriculum:

Foundations: This class breathes new life into the anxiety dream classics, including Oh Shit I Forgot to Study, Oh Goddamnit I Lost Something, and Oh Fuck I’m Finally Exposed as a Huge Fucking Fraud. All ADHS students are required to take this hands-on, teeth-falling-out seminar.

AP Regret and Yearning: In this very popular class, students will partner with an ex of their subconsciousness’s choosing. Your project will be to attempt to say the right thing for once in your life to this person you never deserved, and not once ever get it right, you lifelong loser. There will be a staggering amount of homework for this class.

Theater: ADHS has the truly incredible distinction of featuring the worst theater program in the world. We hold no rehearsals, our shows are incomprehensible, and you are always the star! Involuntarily sign up for this pass/fail class, and you will fail — dramatically!

Hallway: This class is just one very long and menacing hallway. (Featured guest speaker: David Lynch.)

Apocalypse Prep: This seminar has seen a major surge in enrollment in the past couple of years. Whether you’re fleeing a nuclear attack or some more vague, existential horror, this unsurvivable simulation of impending doom will prepare you for real-life disasters you are powerless to prevent.

Finally, a note on student success at ADHS: it’s impossible. After all, our signature “Confuse, Frighten, and Thwart” philosophy serves as a model for thousands of real-world schools! But we can guarantee that at the end of your time here you will be forcefully expelled from school grounds. Potentially, covered in sweat.

However, you are always welcome to re-enroll. In fact, no absence from here is permanent until you graduate. By which, of course, we mean “die.”

Go Doubts!

Principal Belding