My summer body isn’t just conventionally attractive: It’s also strong. Mostly because it’s held together by several dozen Bottle Rockets tied in a series of complex knots by knowledgeable Boy Scouts.

My summer body is curvy. It’s been used as a treacherous and winding road in multiple Dodge RAM commercials.

My summer body has legs for days. That means if I sit on a calendar, my legs will cover up all of the dates. Each and every one.

My summer body is toxic, baby. That’s because a pen exploded in my mouth. Poison Control will be here any minute.

My summer body towers over other summer bodies. That’s because my summer body is a 13-foot cliff, home to several hungry billy goats. God, they are noisy.

My summer body is on a whole different level. I mean that quite literally: It’s on Level 6 of a parking garage actively looking for my car. I, a disembodied head, am searching on Level 3.

My summer body is perfectly bronzed. That’s because my summer body is the pilfered Best Picture Oscar that rightfully belonged to Apocalypse Now. Yeah, I’ll say it.

My summer body is a temple. The temple currently houses a tiny baseball mom wearing rhinestoned flip-flops. She is two inches tall. She shrieks, “IS THIS REFEREE BLIND?” every eight minutes. She has many enemies, which is why she’s taken refuge in my summer body.

It’s hard to ignore my summer body. That’s because it’s a salty seafaring Mainer who bellows about the dangers of Nor’Easters while slurping down flavorful cod broth.

My summer body is a modern day miracle. It’s a mass of nail clippings that has slowly piled up under a couch to form the shape of the Virgin Mary’s pained mid-childbirth visage.

My summer body is constantly in motion. By that, I mean that it’s entirely composed of small ghost crabs. They spend their days skittering up and down my summer body, click-clacking their pale exoskeletons against one another.

My summer body is a swamp full of fairytale creatures being pursued by an angry ogre. Yes, it’s true: My summer body is the Dreamworks animated classic Shrek starring Mike Myers, Cameron Diaz and Eddie Murphy.

My summer body is multifaceted. It has sharp, sharp prongs to complement its alluring apple shape. My summer body is a spork.