Welcome to Newscycle everyone, hands up if this is your first time! Okay, awesome, that’s all of you. Here’s how it works.
Newscycle is the very first cycling class focused on completely exhausting you mentally and physically. This means not only will you see six-pack abs in no-time, but you’ll also find yourself completely despondent and unable to speak after just one session.
Once class starts, we bring down the lights, pump up the volume and illuminate the room with the blue light of six, 60-inch 4K TVs playing different cable news networks and two screens that alternate between each of your live feeds on Twitter and Facebook; this way, each of you can personalize your physical gains and losses of hope.
We know this class is intense, but do remember you are in the safe hands of professionals trained in ad hominem attacks and straw man arguments, always ready to rebut your most sensible points by stonewalling, gaslighting, and regurgitating talking points approved by the party you oppose. In terms of actual cycling, your only instruction is: the angrier you get, the harder you pedal. In case you forget, we spray-painted it under a skull and crossbones on the wall over there.
The class can last an hour, or the point when everyone is sobbing — which tends to happen around after seven or eight Twitter refreshes. Either way, I promise you’ll get your $51 worth and will have never felt so emotionally drained. To my ladies in the room, it looks like Fox News is hosting a town hall called “A Woman’s Place in Women’s Health,” so prepare to be what we call SadSore™ tomorrow!
After class, we recommend hitting our bar in the lobby — liquor, not smoothies — to dull the pain, or getting a retail therapy session in which you buy some branded Newscycle workout gear priced exorbitantly high so you are able to feel something at the moment of purchase.
Okay, any questions? No? Well, let’s get ready for a crazy workout because while I was talking, it looks like the president just tweeted he isn’t afraid of a nuclear North Korea since Kim Jong Un wouldn’t be able to reach the launch button.