OUR MISSION:

Isolate teenagers from planet Earth during their teen years (13 and up) to ultimately make the world (and the Internet) a better, safer, nicer, and less terrifying place for everyone else.

You can’t help being a teenager. And we can’t fast forward time! So that’s why we bought an isolated island in an undisclosed location where teens can go be teens so adults don’t have to fucking deal with your bullshit all the time.

The only adults here? Just our team of brave, devoted staffers who are definitely getting paid just enough money to do this.

There are only TEN RULES on Teen Island:

1. No one leaves Teen Island until they’re ready to stop being a little turd all the time.

2. If you’re not ready to stop being a little turd all the time, you can’t leave Teen Island. Even if you’re not a teen anymore.

3. Always wear a condom. If you are a teenage boy on Teen Island and you are not wearing a condom right now, you are violating Rule #3 of Teen Island. We don’t care if you’re a virgin or if you’re not even having sex right now: if you are a teen on Teen Island and you have a penis, you must be wearing a condom at all times.

4. Only one Instagram a day, no more than ten hashtags.

5. No cussing.

6. Absolutely no MTV.

7. No Drake.

8. No Kylie Jenner Lip Kits, thank you very much.

9. Absolutely no talking, making out, or fingering of any kind during screenings of new episodes of shows on The CW.

10. No pretending like you understand what the ‘90s were like: because none of you were fucking around for them. There will be no ‘90s parties on Teen Island, and no ‘90s inspired fashion. So keep your Forever 21 clothes at home, ladies, and wear them when you are actually 21.

Now that you know the rules, feel free to check out all of the incredible classes we offer during your lengthy stay:

  • Fingering 101, 102, 102, 104
  • How to Read Wikipedia In a Way That Makes It Sound Like You Read the Book
  • Starbucks
  • Not Getting Pregnant Class
  • How to Ask Your Parents For Money In a Phone Call But Make It Sound Like You Just Wanted to Chat
  • How to Make It Look Like You Used Other Sources When Really You Just Read the Wikipedia Page
  • “Hook-up:” Does It Mean Just Making Out or Does It Mean Full Sex?
  • How to Not Talk Back to Your Parents Literally Every Time You Talk to Them
  • Snapchat Drawing 101, 102, 103, 104
  • The Best Filters to Hide the Worst Aspects of Your Personality
  • The Theater Class That’s Only Here So the Theater Kids Can Be Isolated Because They Are So God Damn Annoying
  • Band Camp ;)
  • Why Prom Matters
  • Masturbating Privately

You’re gonna be here for years. But if you play your cards right, you’ll make it back to the real world (NOT THE SHOW — we are talking about the actual “real” world) by your 21st birthday!